. His love goes above and beyond .

the infinite ocean of Christ's love - octavius winslow

2012-02-01T21:57:00.002-10:00

Please do listen to the audio reading as well :)

The Infinite Ocean of Christ's Love
Octavius Winslow

The mind has often been sensible of a feeling of awe as we have stood upon the shore,
and gazed upon the vast expanse of the ocean.
With a similar, yet far transcending emotion,
we approach the infinite ocean of Christ's love!

Like the eternity of God, we cannot fathom
where His love begins, or where it terminates.

There is no other solution to the marvelous mysteries of His Incarnation and Sacrificial Death but this:
Christ has loved us.

Love originated all, explains all, illustrates all.
Love is the interpreter of every Divine mystery.

There is not a circumstance of our Lord's history
which is not another form or manifestation of love.
His incarnation is love stooping.
His sympathy is love weeping.
His compassion is love supporting.
His grace is love acting.
His teaching is the voice of love.
His silence is the repose of love.
His patience is the restraint of love.
His obedience is the labor of love.
His suffering is the travail of love.
His cross is the altar of love.
His death is the burnt offering of love.
His resurrection is the triumph of love.
His ascension into heaven is the enthronement of love.
His sitting down at the right hand of God is the intercession of love.

Such is the deep, the vast, the boundless ocean of Christ's love!
The soul muses in silent awe as it gazes upon this fathomless, limitless sea!

Nothing short of a divine love could or would have borne our sins,
and the punishment of our sins.
The weight of the one, and the terribleness of the other, would have crushed and annihilated a mere
'created' affection.
There existed no love but the love of Jesus equal to the work of salvation.

Who was willing, who was able, to bear that heavy load,
to endure that overwhelming curse, but Jesus?

Oh, think, beloved reader, what the love of Christ has done and suffered for you....
the burden it bore,
the sorrow it felt,
the humiliation it underwent,
the insults,
the ignominy,
the privation through which it traveled;
its groans,
its sighs,
its tears,
its darkness,
how inconceivably it agonized,
how freely it bled,
how voluntarily it died,
the sins it has pardoned,
the guilt it has cleansed,
the declensions it has restored,
the backslidings it has healed,
the sorrows it has soothed,
the patience it has exercised,
the gentleness it has exhibited,
and then ask, could any other but the love of Jesus have done all this, and endured all this?

Such is the love of Christ!

To have saved us upon such terms...
a stoop so low,
a humiliation so profound,
a labor so immense,
mental anguish so acute,
bodily suffering so agonizing,
a death so ignominious...
Was ever love like this?

Was it ever equaled? Where shall we find its parallel?

Love less divine, less strong, less gentle,
could never have won your heart, uprooted your enmity, tore you from your idols;
enthroning Christ, all of Christ, Christ only, Christ supremely, Christ forever!

The love of Christ will be the wonder, the study,
and the song of all pure, holy intelligences through eternity!

Beloved, nothing shall take the love of Christ from you, or separate you from it.
It does not ebb with the ebbing of your feelings;
It does not chill with the chill of your affections;
It does not change with the changing scenes and circumstances of your life.

The love of Christ has depths we cannot sound,
heights we cannot explore,
an infinite fulness and freeness tiding over all the sins, infirmities, and sorrows of its blessed and favored objects.

Seek to know this love of Christ, though it is so vast that it 'passes knowledge.'
Infinite though it is, you may experience its reality, taste its sweetness,
and be influenced by its all commanding, all constraining power.

Do not limit your heart experience of Christ's love,
for it is infinite in its nature, and boundless in its extent.

As yet, how many of us stand but upon the shore of this ocean!
How little do we know, experimentally, of the love of Christ in our souls!

Bring your heart with....
its profoundest emptiness,
its most startling discovery of sin,
its lowest frame,
its deepest sorrow,
and sink it into the depths of the Savior's love!

That infinite sea will flow over all, erase all, absorb all,
and your soul shall swim and sport amid its gentle waves,
exclaiming in your joy and transport, "Oh, the depths!"

The Lord direct your heart into the love of God!
Just as it is...
hard,
cold,
fickle,
sinful,
sad and
sorrowful.

Christ's love touching your hard heart, will dissolve it!
Christ's love touching your cold heart, will warm it!
Christ's love touching your sinful heart, will purify it!
Christ's love touching your sorrowful heart, will soothe it!
Christ's love touching your wandering heart, will draw it back to Himself.
Only bring your heart to Christ's love!

Believe that He loves you,
and just as love begets love,
so the simple belief in the love of Jesus will inspire you with a reflected, responsive affection;
and your soul, like the flower, will burst from its captivity, and bloom,
and, soaring in life, liberty, and beauty, will float in the sunbeams of Gods full, free, and eternal love;
and, in a little while, will find itself in heaven, where all is love!

"Blessed Jesus! Your love, like Your agonies, is an unknown and unfathomable depth!
It passes knowledge.
Let it rise and expand before me,
until it fills the entire scope of my soul's vision;
occupies every niche of my heart;
and bears me onward by its all commanding, all constraining influence,
in the path of a holy loving obedience and surrender."

"May you experience the love of Christ,
though it is so great you will never fully understand it." Ephes. 3:19

to thirst.

2012-01-17T19:53:00.002-10:00

currently reading "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer. this is an excerpt from chapter 1, and a prayer my soul has been crying out incessantly...

Amen and amen.

Give me grace, God, to follow faithfully after You.. I am so weak, be strong for me.

xo

currently listening: Rich Mullins

byebye 2011

2012-01-10T00:12:00.003-10:00

I once wrote about my thoughts about life in cyberspace because, like real life, there's healthy cyberspace community, then there's creepy stalkers. I apologize to my loyal readers that you've had to feel the junk end as the result of my cautions.

However, because it's the end of the year and I felt like reminiscing on the grace of God, I actually wrote about my life with its realistic situations.

The one that meant the most is this one. I wrote about the House of Prayer, coffee, Special Ed, chronic tendinitis, and of course, the Grace of God. It's rather lengthy, so if you read anything, let it be the final paragraphs :)

Happy Twelve!
xo

forgiveness

2011-12-01T22:20:00.001-10:00

Africa by Emma Hardy

Forgiveness does not mean that I agree with what you've done or what you are continuing to do.
It does not mean that it is safe for us to build (or rebuild) a relationship, much less a friendship.
It does not mean we are okay to establish (or re-establish) even communication.
But it does mean that I have released all rights to be resentful, angry, or bitter towards you.
It means I am not letting thoughts of revenge or self-pity control my mind.
Forgiveness in itself is grace, because there is nothing of my flesh that could give something to someone that they do not deserve.
Only the love and power of God could make this whole.

Forgiveness means I am letting the blood of Jesus cover me.

And I can look at the situation, I can look at you, and it doesn't hurt anymore, it doesn't sting anymore.

And I know it inflicted wounds, but nothing too deep that His love could not go deeper still -

Nothing that He could not reveal, nothing that He could not heal.

It means that I am unclenching my fists and releasing the very chains that Christ already broke off of me.
Forgiveness means that I too am free.

*
sorry for the absence lately. just a heads up, i may have to make this blog private due to some personal safety issues arising. if this comes about and you are a regular reader, i'll be asking for email addresses to add you to my list of approved readers..... but no worries, not just yet : ) and maybe if *someone* leaves me alone, we won't have to do this.

xo

currently reading: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.

tonight's raw prayer

2011-11-01T23:52:00.000-10:00

(source)

God,
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what's wisdom, where to look, or if to wait,
I don't know how to be full of faith and full of wise actions at the same time,
I don't know how to pray.

God,
I'm not asking for You to make things easier
-but You know my heart, You know I'd really like that-
yet, the little that I know You, what I do know is that
sometimes Your answer is the hard road,
to make me grow more, to make me learn more.

At the core of all this,
God,
All I want to do is to Love You.
That's it-
to really Love You.

God,
I better be honest...
What I also would like is to feel loved by You.
And feel affirmed that where I am is where You want me to be.
My heart is content wherever You are!
If You are in the heights, there I shall be
If You are in the depths, there too I shall be.
We belong to each other, You and me, and I want to be where You are!..

But God,
I..
don't know where You are.
(well yes, You are here),
but I don't know where You are going.
It's so strange how I hear Your voice but yet You feel so far.

Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.- John 14.5-6

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon the earth that I desire besides You.
- Psalm 73.25

I sought the One I love; I sought Him, but I did not find Him.
“I will rise now,” I said, “And go about the city; in the streets and in the squares, I will seek the One I love.”
I sought Him, but I did not find Him.
The watchmen who go about the city found me;
I said, “Have you seen the One I love?”
Scarcely had I passed by them, when I found the One I love.
I held Him and would not let him go
- Song of Solomon 3.1-4

As for me, the nearness of God is my good...
- Psalm 73.28

There are so many answers I need,
So many final decisions I want Your input
So many virtues I need You to help me attain
And yet, all of that is loss compared to the simple desire of:
God, I just want You.

Help me to trust You and help my unbelief
I want to be dependent on You...
Because there's not a care in the world
When I am trusting You completely...
- Jon Thurlow, "Dependent on You"

the wasted life.

2011-08-07T13:15:00.000-10:00

source

i could spend everything i am for the sake of Christ:
all my time, my efforts, my heart, my thoughts, my conversations
and people may say, "what a wasted life."

or, i could do what everyone else expects out of me:
in order to be accepted, to be successful, to be relevant
and Christ may say of me, "what a wasted life."

.....i know how i'll be wasting mine.. it's all for Him.

xo

currently reading: The Forgotten Desert Mothers by Laura Swan
currently listening: Strong Love by Jon Thurlow [it's sooooo good!!]
currently watching: Jane Eyre, BBC Version

follow

2011-07-05T00:38:00.000-10:00

Oh the breath of the Almighty God, it warms a cold and fractured soul
It awakens a dormant vision, it is a gentle breeze that flicks a fading coal
I arise with a trembling in my spirit, a quickness in my step, and adoration upon my lips.
For in His omniscience, He places a sword in my feeble hands,
   and a sachet of myrrh to hold near to my chest..

He calls me to follow Him. But oh! His call is simply that - His breath upon my soul.
It is neither a sound nor a sight, but the exhale, the release, of the Infinite God.
There is no time for a forgettable introspection or exhaustive doubt,
   or to question, "Did God really say..."

No, there is only a moment to arise and follow, there is only a moment to trust and obey.
For those who obey are those who love Him; He said, "If you love me, You will obey..."
And so now, with a sword in my hand and a sachet of myrrh, I have said yes to a life of surrender.
  I have said yes to a life which both suffers and fights, and yet beholds the gaze of my Lover.

I have agreed to run a race upon a cobbled road with bare-blistered feet and tenacity,
   and still, I have agreed to rest between the very shoulder blades that carry the world.
I have chosen to be hollowed with the finest of knives, I have chosen to be His flute of joy*.
I said I would be His symphony, and I wait upon His melodies.
I have said to Him, "I will be Your Warrior," He has said to me, "You shall also be My Bride."

I have chosen to follow Him into the chilled stillness of the night,
   or perhaps I am hidden in the shadows of His great wing.
I have chosen to follow Him into the depths of His heart,
   into the cavities of aching and groaning and sorrow;
   where His tears and blood have become my wine, and I yearn for more,
   though it pains both of us so...
And I fear Him, thus He confides in me, and I follow Him, thus He bids me, "draw nearer..."

I have known no greater joy than His delight, and yet no gripping sorrow than His yearnings;
I have not lived apart from Him, and I have not died except with Him.
I have known no fear except His holiness, and known no love except Himself.
He has breathed upon me, and so I come to Him,
   for I am restless unless I rest in Him.

xo

currently reading: Ezekiel
currently listening: "A Life That's Worthy," John Thurlow
currently watching: Les Choristes

making choices

2011-06-01T22:25:00.005-10:00

[a little peek into my life. where the previous post came from.]

i vent a lot to God, restlessly waiting for an answer to a universal question, what am i doing with my life. suddenly motivated to do something -anything- i had planned on leaving my job within the next few months. well truthfully, i've toyed with the idea of leaving my job for two years already. and then what happened: in the past three weeks, i've lost my job while i was away, rested and regained solace for two weeks while jobless, got a week-long substitute job, then in a time frame of two days, received six different job offers i haven't applied for.

wow, God.

In my distress, I called to the LORD; I called to my God. From His temple, He heard my voice; my cry came to His ears.
- II Samuel 22.7

it's as though i have been pounding on the door of heaven with love, tears, and screams, hearing nothing but my pleas bouncing off the walls of a hollow room; and i will never say that God wasn't listening, because i know He has listened to every word that I have uttered, pondered, and harbored. for all i know, He wanted me in that job longer than I planned, but out of it sooner than I planned.

six job offers? really? i asked God to speak, and oh, He is speaking! now, the predicament at hand is no longer begging Him to talk, it is distinguishing His voice.

the sheep listen to the voice of [the Shepherd]. He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out... He goes ahead of them and His sheep follow Him because they know His voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice...
- John 10.3-5

here's the funny thing about choices:
maybe only one is the voice of God, and the rest are deceptions from the enemy.
maybe they're all God's voice and one is a shortcut to my destiny, one is a much longer and difficult tread.
or maybe they'll all take the same time, and the decision I am now making is not actually "what job i should take," but rather, "what fruit do i want to produce."

different climates produce different fruit. different obstacles produce different values.

as in...
you want patience?
choose job #3 because the conflicting personalities you'll work with will get on your nerves.
you want more joy?
choose job #2 because the tragedies you'll encounter will weigh like sorrow on your soul.
you want more peace?
definitely #5 because your chaotic bosses will be like whirlwinds in your organized mind.

etcetera.

either which way i go, it's like i wrote on the previous post:

you can step out of the will of God, but you can never step out of His promises.

therefore, i feel a peace about the path i am about to take... granted, i am seeking His face to avoid making the wrong choice, but i know whichever path it is, i will find myself carried in grace and growing deeper in trust and faith.

xo

currently reading: Ezekiel and Revelation
currently listening: The Ron Artis Family Band, Don't Worry, We'll Make It

options

2011-05-23T22:24:00.004-10:00

[Posted here!]
Last week's devo session involved the book of Jeremiah and Lamentations, a sketchbook, some Bonhoeffer, and a dog at my feet.

Why should any living man complain when punished for his sins? Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.
- Lamentations 3: 39-40

Well yes, it's "Lamentations." Written at a time before the Cross proclaimed a grace that covered sins, the verses the follow express a ripping sorrow and frustration of feeling abandoned.

Still- it's the Word, and the Word is True, and the Word is full of power. God is just, and He is righteous in His judgments. Although the prophecy of disaster and its fulfillment covers much of the Old Testament, it is easy to forget that, in the first place, God had always given His people options. The torment we read of is, in fact, consequence for the choices the people have made.

In Jeremiah 42, the people asked Jeremiah to pray and ask God what they should do... saying, "whether it is favorable or unfavorable, we will obey the LORD our God," (Jer 42.3-6) And so Jeremiah sought the LORD, and told them plainly what the LORD had said, holding nothing back (v 4)... It held both promises for obeying and consequences for disobedience.

‘If you stay in this land, I will build you up and not tear you down...
- Jeremiah 42. 10-12

‘If you are determined to go to Egypt and you do go to settle there, then the sword you fear will overtake you there...'
- Jeremiah 42. 15-16

The people would not accept this word... because it isn't what they wanted to hear.

And what I am about to say does not apply to all things. But in reality:
There are times when God tells us to listen to Him, because if we don't, we'll suffer the consequences.
So we fight God, because what He asks can sound insensible, contrary, difficult - anything synonymous with "things we don't want to do."
And we choose otherwise.
Not surprisingly, we taste the consequences. But as Jeremiah was alluding to, can we really say it's God's fault? Where were our hearts in the first place?

Surely we cannot apply this to every painful experience we've had, dubbing our problems as "this is God punishing me." No, we must realize that we do live in a fallen world; we are still in battle against darkness. And adding to that, we do live in a time of abundant grace. Truly,

You can step outside of the will of God, but you can never step outside of His promises.

I know this firsthand. There are countless times when I haven't listened to the voice of God, downright avoided His voice sometimes. And the path I chose was difficult to maneuver. But it did not negate the promises that He's spoken, because He never breaks His promises:

Do not fear, for I am with you... I will strengthen you and help you (Isaiah 41.10)
Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. (John 14.27)
In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world! (John 16.33)
I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him (Isaiah 57.18)

For He will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help... (Ps. 72.12)
The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3.17)

Yes, God gives us options, and in this walk of faith, there are times when we miss His voice. But the wonder of grace is the endless chances He gives, and the unconditional love that accompanies His call to follow Him. Oh yes, we must examine our hearts to find whether or not we are centered on listening to and obeying His will, rather than seeking His approval and rejecting His "opinions." But in seeking Him, we will also find that He takes great delight in His beloved, knowing full well that regardless of her fall, if she so chooses, she can grip onto His promises and find herself back on the path He first ordained.

xo

currently reading: The Cost of Discipleship, by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
currently listening: IHOP-KC prayer room (Worship in the Word sets)
currently watching: Finding Nemo. really.

overcome

2011-04-10T20:31:00.001-10:00

Abba, where do I go from here?
Oh, I said I would run hard after Your heart, I said I would be faithful, I said I would forego any obstacle for the sake of beholding You....

I said these things, and then my knees caved in.

And now how can I run after You?

I see You vaguely in the distance, and I see Your children dance around You,
And now how can I dance with You too?
I am still yet far away, hearing You faintly.. muffled whistles in the wind
and not sure if You hear me.. muffled cries into the earth

Abba, where do I go from here?
All I long for is for You to come to my rescue, to carry me in my weakness, to affirm me of Your Love..
because You still love me, don't You?
My heart could not abandon You, even with this distance,
My memory fights to recollect the beautiful words of Life...
My troubled soul argues with my hopeful spirit, and Your Spirit always wins...

Will You fight for me, Abba? You always win...

I am frail, how can I run after You?
Come and run after me...

Christina's World by Andrew Wyeth. 1948.

Jesus did not say: you shall not be troubled, you shall not be tempted, you shall not be distressed. But He said: you shall not be overcome.

- Julian of Norwich

xo

currently reading: The Lessons of St. Francis by John Michael Talbot
currently listening: an assortment of Gregorian chants

a narrative on anger.

2011-03-22T19:18:00.001-10:00

influx of wretched happenstances.
my immediate interpretation is that they are meant to teach me patience.
in reality, they uncover my impatience, my anger, my selfishness.

i'm not as strong as i thought i was.

yes.. these things are also uncovering my pride.
for a good bulk of this year (all 3 months of them), i have been edgy, antsy, snappy.
(is that externally accurate?)
i think we can word it as bitter, resentful, enraged, angry. very, very angry.
it is untruthful to say i've "never been this angry," but i can say to my remembrance, my anger has not consistently outwardly manifested to this degree.

and God bless my dear friends who have run after me, prayed for me, loved on me.
in fact,

there was one instance when i came to the House of Prayer as a complete wreckage
so in that very moment, we dashed over to the neighborhood beach and..
jumped into the ocean.
in our work clothes.
until our skins were pruned
until the sun went down
until the moon rose.

then all intensity multiplied..

and there was only so much my heart could take.
i looked forward to Thursday, March 10, 2011. because at 2:00pm, it indicated the beginning of ten days of absolutely no work.

and i anticipated utter relaxation, full of painting, chiropractic care, and absolutely - much more Jesus time.
but i came home, and the first thing i had learned was that my grandmother's sister, Apo Maria, had passed away.
at the beautifully ripe age of 105. (her age secret? she speaks no english, and she doesn't watch the news).
she was old, but i had not seen this coming. my heart sank into a realm of numbness.

oh sorrow - you had the beginning of my break.

i tried to hide away in the girls' room that Thursday evening

hiding, yet surrounded by my comforting sisters.

i attempted to trek the night weeping silently and sleep early.
suddenly a hustling - our state of Hawaii had received a tsunami watch due to the tragic earthquake in Japan.

and our House, albeit right out of the safe zone, was full of transplanted young adults who had never experienced a tsunami watch or warning.
and they all wanted to dash out.
i was irate.
i wanted to be left in the house - let me sleep on the top bunk, if the waves come, it won't touch me. i wanted full sleep.
but no. i had to leave.

no one would leave me alone at the House.
we crowded about about 15 people into a friend's duplex
which meant that i was granted the floor mat in the laundry room.
[perfectly fine, except i have a bad knee].

oh yes, we were all feeling the effects of sleeplessness.

equals... terrible grouchiness.
it's expected to say that i would be, yet again, irate, and perhaps restless.

but instead, my anger had halted.

what was i to say to the LORD?
"Hey God, could You take my grandma's life on another day? today isn't a good day for me."
"Hey God, could You hit Japan with an earthquake some other time? i don't want to be around paranoid non-locals over a tsunami watch because i would like to sleep."

REALLY? HOW SELFISH AM I!
i have no reason to be angry! this is pure selfishness!

and how terrible the things that the LORD uses to summon my attention.
if only i really had the fruit of the Spirit abounding in my heart
if only i was so full of His presence, that He could be seen and felt in my actions and words - without me straining to do so.
if only i were naturally patient, self-controlled, loving, peaceful.
if only i could know joy - true unfazed joy -
if only my praise was effortless, as a result of genuine love for my LORD....

then none of the things i have had to face would have compared to His beauty.
how terrible that we face numerous frustrations with a selfish pity call for comfort
- and yes, we all want comfort!
but we seek it in places other than His arms,
frustrated that the world does not cater to our longings.
and we are left angry at everything that does not line up with our lives.

needless to say, i am definitely in conviction mode.

xo

currently watching: toy story 3

Japan.

2011-03-15T22:58:00.001-10:00

pray for Japan. "wounded" is too light of a word.

on our end here in the islands, the reality of the tragic disasters in Japan were initially faded behind sirens that warned of a possible tsunami. the rest of the world wrapped their heartstrings around a hurting nation, looking for hope or denying its existence. meanwhile, we evacuated our House for higher grounds - a frustrating story i am telling later - waiting for a tsunami that didn't happen. and so, when we finally caught up to sleep days later, we sat and pondered and cried with japan, asking for the heart of God, how to pray, how to feel, how to rightly Love His people.

their physical needs are many, their financial calls are rightly so, but their spiritual needs are immediate.

if there is one thing i pray above all requests for Japan, it is that hearts are drawn (sincerely) to the Lord.

lives have been lost, many are missing, both in the natural and also the spiritual.
and God is aching that His people, made in His image, find hope and rest and peace in His arms.

and if there is one thing i pray above all requests for the church, it is that they are prepared, always prepared, to give Jesus to the world.

when the sirens are blaring, there is no time to look at the handbook and figure out what to do.
when the sirens are blaring, you must know what to do, where to run, if to stay.

we all have a lot of work to do.

Poster by W+K Studio. Funds donated for relief.

xo

remember, this is also on puresunday.com/blog :)

currently reading: A Wind in the Door, Madeleine L'Engle
currently listening: Abba, Jonathan David Helser

writing.

2011-03-09T21:09:00.000-10:00

my dear readers,

just so you are aware, i have imported this blog into one place: puresunday.com/blog. (your comments also found their way there!). i will still keep updating this blog with the stirrings of my heart and spirit, and i am humbled and over-appreciative of the wonderfully faithful readers! creating a blog for my website definitely helps me have all writings (creative inspirations, recipes, daily musings) in one spot. you are very welcome to subscribe to that blog as well, but again, this blog will still be alive and running!

blessings

currently reading: A Wind in the Door, Madeleine L'Engle
currently listening: Songs About Jesus, Jon Thurlow

silence.

2011-01-24T17:49:00.001-10:00

remember: when your wings are weak, and your spirits done, and you've flown as far as you can, you're halfway there.

- boron, the echidna, in legends of the guardians

i am spent.
i am weak.
i feel terribly alone.

He is the gust that pushes my frailness further
He is the rain that embraces and carries my tears
He is the lamp that illuminates the path beneath me
He is the path that steadies my swollen feat

He is the cloud that covers my sight from disillusion
He is the silence that tunes my heart to listen
He is the lightweight cloak, a welcomed burden
He is the chill that persuades me to cling to this burden

He is the night that envelops every distraction
He is the night that wakes my eyes to widen
He is the fog that asks me if I sincerely trust Him
He is the mist that settles when I whisper a yes.

He is the warmth in my hands when I yearn for His nearness
He is the poem I recite when I remember His face
He is the silence that listens to my heart as it's burning
He is the burning that aches in jealousy and zeal.

He is my lonesome journey, the small gate, the narrow road
He is the pulling on my conscience, the angst on my lips
He is the whispering breeze, the dancing leaves
the silence that asks me to

pause:

and rest
within the mist

and to be quiet within my soul

xo

currently listening: Jason Upton, Jacob's Dream
currently reading: Kahlil Gibran, Jesus the Son of Man

on absolute brokenness... 2010 part 2.

2011-01-02T15:48:00.001-10:00

lesson 1: aching, willing love.
lesson 2: brokenness.

absolute brokenness. and not merely because of the circumstances surrounding me, but also perpetuated by Watchman Nee's book, The Release of the Spirit. lessons are best seen in my post on Rebukes and Redefining Grace.

a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

- Psalm 51:17

The first requirement in God's work is a pure, not a powerful spirit. Those who neglect this, though their work may be done in power, will find it destroyed due to the lack of purity... Though they may truly possess the power of God, yet because their spirit is mixed, they are destroying what they build.... You are giving to men that which is of yourself while ministering God's Word. The LORD's Name does not suffer because of your lack of life, but because of your flow of impurities.

- Watchman Nee

believe me. ultra convicted.

but there is something about brokenness... it reminds me of Christ. He was broken.. beautifully broken... and glorious. i am weak. so weak. and it is then that He can be strong.

xo

listened to: Misty Edwards, Fling Wide, and Olafur Arnalds, Found Songs

on aching, willing love... 2010 part 1.

2010-12-26T21:11:00.000-10:00

i have a love-hate relationship with yearly reflections/resolutions. every day should be a resolve to Love more, to give more, to yearn for God more. but nonetheless, i resolve, just as i did at the brink of 2009, and reflect, like the entrance of 2010. journals and old blogs hold the R's of past years in secret.

it is now the close of 2010. three outstanding lessons pressed upon my heart, this first one being:
1. love out of the heart of God; because we are weak and He is strong.

*

i have nothing to give. i am empty, i am weak, i am worthless.
my words fall like snow, my actions melt within a day, my thoughts take flight with the wind.
i do not own anything, i have no possessions, i can make no claims.

and i say these things, not to insult my Creator
but to exalt that He is everything, and i am nothing - without Him.
i cannot say that i am, for only He IS; only He can say, "I AM."

He is Love.

i cannot even make claims that "I Love," or that i know love, or that i understand love.
but yes, i am learning about Love; i am learning to love - out of the heart of God.

the desire for love is crafted into our individual design.
and for the rest of our lives, we will be at unrest until we find love; maybe we think we have already found love and strangely, are still unsatisfied.
because we yearn for real Love, that is, GOD Who is Love.

we will forever be confused with grasping the complexity of Love
until we settle it in every crevice of our being:
that God is Love, and every encounter with God is an encounter with Love; every experience of true Love is an experience of God.

i would often struggle with the point of community.
what is it for? if my existence is meant for the pleasure and worship of YHWH,
why should i be concerned about being open and raw,
knitting heart ties, entrusting myself to another flawed person...
"do not forsake the fellowship of believers" - can we dub that as corporate worship?
i saw no necessity for self-disclosure.

but thoughts like these could only stem from wounds of disappointment, neglect, abandonment.
thoughts like these are petty excuses for the "no trespassing" sign across our souls.
thoughts like these were born after we, in our adventurous naivety, chose to give love, and were bruised when we did not receive love in return.

but is it our place to ask for love?
is it our place to draw attention to our needs?
we don't want to confront anyone with, "when will you ask about me?" or "when's my turn to be cared for?" or "where's my love?"...
because it feels like manipulation.
(it IS manipulation...)
we'd rather they did it out the genuine movements of their spirit, not out of pity.

i wouldn't want someone to love me out of pity.
i don't think we could even call it love.
it's just... pity.

nonetheless, our defense mechanisms fly up in wanting to protect our fragile selves.
because we've trusted(!) and trusted(!) and have been terribly disappointed each time.

The amount of love you have for a person equals the amount of pain or grief that person can cause in your life.

- KV

real love does not rhyme with pain.
no, but real love does mean vulnerability
(yes, that seemingly weak and sensitive word)

for, to be open and vulnerable only means the stabs are fiercer, the wounds are deeper.
the fear becomes greater.
the walls become higher.
the flesh heart becomes harder.

oh where to go from here!
we close ourselves from loving and being loved,
we fade back from hope....

but love believes all things and hopes all things.
and to truly Love,
we must believe fully in God, we must hope fully in God.

i have nothing to give. i am empty, i am weak, i am worthless.
i cannot say that i have loved or truly know love
but i know God, and to know God is to know Love.

if there is one thing i learned in the first third of 2010, it was to Love out of the heart of God.

love should never expect anything in return. in itself, it is Giving alone.
and for the most part, love can be an aching yet willing sacrifice - a resolution - that takes discipline, endurance, faith, and hope.

indeed, there are possibilities that:

your giving won't be valued or recognized
you'll be rejection
you won't be appreciated
you'll be judged.

Real Love is aware of these things... but still makes the choice to give anyway...
because Real Love gives out of the heart of God.
and God is an endless supply of Truth and Love that satisfies.
and not that it won't ever hurt, but to Love for the sake of God more than the sake of self means that the rejection, judgment, disappointment bears on the back of Jesus Christ Himself - it is His love for us.

the rejection of man cannot touch the affirming Love of Jesus...
He is Love. He satisfies.

Jesus loves me, this i know, for the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong...

I am weak, but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me.

images are photos/sketches created this year. also seen on facebook here.

listened to: Holy by Matt Gilman & Cory Asbury; Immersed and Majestic by various IHOP-KC artists.

loving the special ones.

2010-11-22T20:56:00.000-10:00

Blessed is he who has regard for the weak...

Psalm 41.1

the past few weeks have been very trying on my spirit, for reasons i cannot legally explain. it is hard being with disabled children in public school as a contracted worker, knowing that the public education system growls at any form of affection.

in the various situations i've worked in, i have had conversations with teachers, and even parents (!) who warn me never to have children ("then again, work with these kids - instant birth control!"). sometimes they talk about abortion. sometimes they say they wish they aborted that child (yes, that very child sitting there, with a name, a darling face, and a distinct personality). Hassles! they say. Painful! they say. oh the time and money put into this child with no future! ahh my heart, it aches....

this is their great argument against me, a believer in God- "any god," they would add. the very famous question, What's their purpose? What are they good for?

i despise that question.
and granted, i am not the one with all the answers.
but having been around different diagnoses, controlling tantrums for 6 hours every day, redirecting a distracted focus every 30 seconds, hushing disruptive noises, changing diapers, and probably being the only person in the world the child trusts to tell the harmful things the child saw or experienced....

all i know is that they teach us how to love.

they teach us how to love!! oh how the fruit of the Spirit must ripen within you! to be patient, to be kind, to control your anger, to be gentle. to suffer long. to be at peace. to be joyful!- because maybe you are the only true joy they will ever know! when there is no other safe place, you become a safe place- you must carry a joy! you learn true joy. you learn to love. and you learn to be faithful. because they've seen unfaithfulness, and when you get angry and they use that to authenticate that "everybody hates me, they're all going to leave," you want to prove them wrong.. not to spite them, but only because you love them, and you are a safe place...

yes. they teach us how to love.

a love, i assure you, i am still learning daily.
but then goes the thought, should not everybody teach us how to love? absolutely. yes, they should. except it is a much trickier route to learn love via the most-everybody-else group. because, what we call "love" is more often an economy: giving to receive. it's very different with the special ones. most of them cannot help how they respond to you. they cannot return to you a love that validates every sacrifice you have made for them. perhaps you've invested your resting, your resources, your sanity for the sake of putting the child at ease. and in return, they may bite, scratch, throw tantrums.. some are nonverbal, some need total physical assistance. some are completely verbal and physically able, but their issue is mere delinquency. and how much will you love, then?

oh it's so easy to take it personal! their tantrums make you feel like a failure, their angry words make you question your inability to raise children. you offer every proven incentive, and they cry helplessly, unable to communicate their needs and desires.. and in that moment, how much will you love them?

they are special. you sacrifice yourself, with no incentive but the sake of a Father's Love, with no reward but knowing you can give Love. and after you have toiled this ground, you shall see the fruit of the Spirit grow bountifully within you.

In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus Himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'

-Paul, Acts 20.35

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

James 1.27

My student and I made this together.

xo

currently listening: Will Reagan & United Pursuit Band - Live at Bank's House
* do yourself a favor and get this album. and yes, i do realize that it seems i am always "currently" listening to upb, but what can i say, the Spirit speaks through them!

On Justice.

2010-10-25T21:32:00.003-10:00

In three parts.

I.

Laws do not create core values, laws perpetuate core values.

And what a shame for those who claim to have and know the One who is Truth
(that is to say, the I AM, the Way, the LIFE), to be lame about their voting rights and forego the opportunity to perpetuate LIFE.

How one votes is a blatant expression of his or her core values.
You say one candidate upholds the prime fiscal policies or educational reforms, and mutter under your breath his or her support for partial-birth abortion or assisted suicide...
Ah, this too is a reflection of your core values. Something else apparently matters more than the issue of sparing a few thousand babies from their innocent deaths.

How will you explain to the next generation that you perpetuated a death culture in order to protect your pennies from being pocketed? I would hope that the Spirit of God would so move your heart to the rhythms of Heaven... Heaven holds many babes in her arms, and how she loves them! But have they fulfilled their destinies before the rights were stripped from them?

God, restore righteousness in our government! Would you place someone in position who would perpetuate the the laws of Your Kingdom, and distinguish between the holy and profane.

Endow the king with justice, O God, the royal son with righteousness... He will defend the afflicted among the people, and save the children of the needy; he will crush the oppressor... For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy, and save the needy from death. He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight.

- Psalm 72

II.

O shepherds, ministers of the Word! I ask: where will you lead your flocks? Or where will you avoid? Do you not speak of truth and justice and reformation because of protocol, because of status, because of fear? Do you finish your sermon on God-ordained frivolous prosperity, close the door to your office, and say a passing prayer (a mere thought!) that your sheep will choose the best path? Not to say that the outcome is upon your heads, but leaders will be held accountable.

And flock, do not blame your leaders for your laziness. May I propose that voting is tithe and offering too? It is both your responsibility and your willing gift. Laws will be made! Core values perpetuated! What are you standing for? Are you fearful of persecution? Blessed are you who carry the name of Christ! Blessed are you who are not ashamed of His Name before men!

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices - mint, dill, and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law - JUSTICE, MERCY, and FAITHFULNESS. You should have practiced the latter without neglecting the former.

- Matthew 23.23

III.

My spirit groans, it aches - not in fear for the turnout this upcoming election - but it aches for an awakening of the church, a maturing of the church. We have lost our mandate to care for our fellow bretheren: and I refer most especially to the little ones, the 50+ million in America... we did not vote to save their lives, we put them in the foster care of heartless abortion clinics, we did not wash our hands of guilt (oh, did we know our hands were dirty? and yes, we have licked our fingers after eating processed/preserved/dried religion... these germs! They make us sick.)

We have been unmoved, passive, bland. We are gray walls in an empty castle, we are a prodigious landmark that has gathered moss. How deplorable that the nations should pass us! And forbid that, as though in tourism, they should say, "And herein lies the great church, she has stood throughout history, and she exists today, without inhabitants, without influence."

The grievances of my heart perhaps seem numerable, but I am hopeful.
This is why I pray for justice. This is why I pray for revival.
What is faith, what is a prayer, if I do not believe these things will come to pass?
What is it, to cry out for justice, if I do not have hope for the church, hope for government, hope for LIFE? These words may have been brash, but I speak from a heart that loves LIFE, and it would not be right to cry out on behalf of the dead and dying if I did not contend for those who have survived this holocaust.

This is our moment to perpetuate righteousness, to perpetuate LIFE. There is no HOLY excuse for the murder of innocent babes. So let the conviction in our spirit be for love, for God is Love, God is life. Though we may have been inactive or silent, there is always a greater and unfathomable grace.
My friends, VOTE. PRAY. Move. Shift.

Sing to the Lord a new song, His praise from the ends of the earth... Let them give glory to the Lord and proclaim His praise in the islands. The Lord will march out like a mighty man, like a warrior He will stir up His zeal; with a shout He will raise the battle cry and will triumph over His enemies.

"For a long time I have kept silent, I have been quiet and held myself back. But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out, I gasp, I pant... I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them..."

- Isaiah 42

willingness

2010-10-18T21:33:00.003-10:00

There is no way I am anywhere near close to this. Hence the reason I pray it.

I.

Jesus, how you so deeply desire for me to be ablaze! And O, that Your jealousy would burn me into pure zealotry- a fervor fueled by a longing for Your heart. Make the achings of Your heart become the aching of my heart... still,

A life of consecration always comes before a life of love.

- Watchman Nee

I must know You as my King before I know You as my Lover. I must know You as my Master before I know You as my Friend. And not that You are exclusive to this, but I nearly demand it of myself, because these sacrifices of servanthood are my acts of love before You.

Beautiful Christ! When You washed Your disciples' feet, John said of You,

Having loved His own who were in the world, He now showed them the full extent of His love...

- John 13.2

Ah! The groanings of my spirit cannot comprehend this! The full extent? And so what are my weak words before You? I sputter out these immature, incomplete, and still completely innocent words "I love You..." Yet how have I showed You the full extent of my love?

No. This is not about religion: about working or purging myself to gain Your love, about performing as a servant before a King, a slave before a Master- oh this would defy the power of the Cross that tore the veil between us!
This is not about the necessity to do these things in order to earn Your love, but this is of my willingness to be a servant as You have been.

This is about giving my offering. This is not about the tithe that You commanded, this is about the free-will gift that I choose to give to You, the humble sacrifices - taking treasures I have long held close to my soul, and declaring that they are no longer my treasures, for You are my Treasure.

Because the elements of time and resources and earthly gain and ego, what will stand the heat of Your gaze? What will endure into the eternity we spend together, what will last forever? I must be consecrated! Willingly consecrated! A willing circumcision of my heart!

O the circumcision of the heart! I must be willing for You to make the painful incisions in every hidden part of me! Little Heart, you love as much as you know love, but you are wounded and offended and bitter and scared, Little Heart, He must make the careful, excruciating severance...

But willingly I do this, my loving Master, I want to be set apart, marked by my King, separated from the world, consecrated... willingly consecrated... Serving out of love, different because of love, giving out of love, giving giving giving...

II.

And all the while You know my heart. You know my heart only longs to be closer to You. I wait on Your every word, I rush to satisfy Your requests, Your demands. I love Your commands, Your law. So I find myself in Your presence more oft, and I learn Your ways - the way You like things set, how You want it done. I learn Your favorite things. And I would go above and beyond what You ask of me, solely because I love You, and I delight in seeing You delighted.

I know You intimately, just being Your servant, and in the fullness of Your grace, You know me (fully)... You love me.

And He talks with me, and He walks with me, and He tells me that I am His own

- "In the Garden" C. Austin Miles

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

- Jesus. John 15.15

I am a friend who chooses to serve my Friend.
I know You, my King, in Your chambers.
I have found that I am Your treasure.

xo

Currently Listening: IHOP Prayer Room
Currently Watching: The Phantom of the Opera (because "All I Ask of You" is much like Jesus)
Currently Reading: Song of Songs, by Watchman Nee

beauty

2010-09-30T21:16:00.000-10:00

from my post here.
*

i wish we found beauty and joy as often as it yearns to be found.

i think this would make for a much happier, content, grateful life.
i think it would mean that both our curiosity and angry wonderings will find answers that preface bigger, more meaningful questions.
and i know that in finding beauty and joy, we will find God,
because God can be found in the purity of His creation- and He makes people too.
everyone has even one reason to be loved, and i think when we find that one reason (plus the countless more), we find out why they are beautiful.

i wish we found beauty and joy in people as often as they yearn to be found.

towards the end of today's work, situations set off my student's rude and disrespectful behavior, incidentally making me boil unnaturally. i went home irate. maybe i was hungry. maybe food will make me forget. maybe food and a movie will make me forget. maybe food, a movie, and my cat will make me forget. or maybe i need to remember. maybe i need to remember that she's quirky, that one, that there are reasons why she makes me laugh.

earlier at lunch, before the crazy outbursts, i was watching my student eat her sandwich. that is to say, i watched her take apart her sandwich and eat layer by layer individually. oh wait... rephrase. i watched her take apart her sandwich, lick each individual layer free of the mayonnaise, re-stack the sandwich, and then eat it - layer by layer. i wanted to laugh while i gagged my own poor lunch of carrots, granola, berries, and sky flakes. my stun made for weird noises to add to the viable reasons why most students believe that i am either: A) sixteen, B) an ageless vampire, or C) a gazelle (because, you see, i'm too child-friendly to be a vampire, so i must be 9,999,999,999,999,999 years old. therefore, next year i'd turning "..is it billion? trillion? gazillion? is that a word? maybe it's gazelle... miss k, you're gonna turn into a gazelle next year"). anyway, i made sure my student washed her hands, and i wish i had the rights to cut her nails too in order to prevent a new cozy bed for future and existing mayonnaise globs. it was disgusting. but it was funny. and if i forget something after my food and movie and kitty-cuddles, i want to forget her disrespectful words, her whining, her ridiculous behavior. i want to forget that i was so ANGRY (with caps!) at her. and i want to remember that there's beauty and joy in her, and that God enjoys her, and that she is so worth loving. she is worth loving because God enjoys her. at the end of the day, THIS (with caps!) is what i should remember.

oh and one more thing... sometimes i reward this girly-girl by letting her paint my nails - with crayola or dry-eraser markers - because they come OFF. occasionally, she'll even put stickers on my nails. she really wants me to paint my nails hot pink like hers, but i protest. she can't make me do that. today, however, was a coupling of placing star stickers on my nails, and because of her excellent work, coloring them too! what i failed to notice, to my loss, is that she snuck a SHARPIE to use, and i was stuck with two ugly black nails!!! the stars peeled off to make a cool effect i would have liked when i was sixteen (adding, yet again, to the different options of who students believe me to be), but not now. and i am stuck. with these nails. i must find remover. or be forced to paint my nails.

GAH.

currently watching: Bright Star (oh. yes.)

currently listening: a worship playlist titled "Hello, God!"

currently reading: the book of James

today.

2010-09-02T21:45:00.000-10:00

nothing was outstanding about today.
i went to work. i read a book. i did paperwork.

but at the end of this ordinary day, i feel unbelievably dissatisfied.
did i find God today?

did i at least try?

i'm so thankful for His mercies...
they are new every morning.

i'll try again tomorrow.

i want to be found faithful.

xo

currently listening: "Found Faithful" by Justin Rizzo
currently reading: C.S. Lewis

on rebukes.

2010-08-08T23:13:00.003-10:00

The first requirement in God's work is a pure, not a powerful spirit. Those who neglect this, though their work may be done in power, will find it destroyed due to lack of purity. Though they may truly possess the power of God, yet because their spirit is mixed, they are destroying what they build...

- Watchman Nee, "The Breaking of the Outer Man and the Release of the Spirit."

The topic of powerful and pure spirits can stream into multiple directions - but now we will talk about rebukes and judgments.

I think that before you rebuke someone, you should be willing to fast and pray for that person. That is to say, fast and pray for a purity of spirit - the purity of your spirit.

You can approach someone with a rebuke and say it in a powerful spirit, but if it is an impure spirit, the person ends up touching the soul of man - your soul - and not solely the Spirit of God. This is also why it is not fasting and praying in order to find justification for your rebuke. An unbroken soul, an impure spirit, will approach the Word of God to justify their causes, instead of approaching the Word to find God. In doing so, we profane His Word. (May God forgive us for searching His Word to make us look right.)

A simple example: seeing a fellow brother or sister in a gradual reversal - supposedly in their spiritual walk. And you'd like to break off the dark cloud over his life..
But- how do you truly know it's depression? Is it really a sense in your spirit, or a sense in your soul? Is "depression" a word of knowledge, or your personal disagreement with this change in character?

There have been occasions in which we have made assumptions, that turned into judgment, that caused an offense in our hearts - and out of this un-clarified offense, we present a rebuke. And even if we will never approach them with a rebuke, to even hold an assumption or judgment in our heart - would we still be willing to fast and pray for that person?

Are we willing to fast and pray for our enemies?

It's somewhat of a pride/ego issue.

I think we forget that the verse "pray for those who persecute you" was actually preceded by "love your enemies."

You have heard that it was said, "Love your neighbor and hate your enemies." But I tell you: Love your neighbor and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

- Matthew 5.43-48

Christ did not say this with the primary intention for our persecutors to stop, or for our enemies to become our best friends - but He did it for our own change of heart. For the sake of forgiveness, the sake of compassion, the sake of love. To go above and beyond. To be set apart from the world.

In fasting and praying for purity of spirit, we are praying for compassion. If you are going to rebuke someone, you had better be willing to provide that person with a safe support to restoration. Have we not seen it too often? Quick to rebuke, quick to walk away, quick to be offended, quick to slander. Where is the compassion? Where is Jesus in all of this? And rebuke is necessary - it's said in the Word. But better a rebuke from the wise, than from a fool...

O that we would learn what true rebuke is - that we would rebuke out of a pure heart, not for the sake of pride, not for the sake of friendship, but foremost for the sake of Christ...

God! Teach us how to love! Teach me how to love.. I judge and assume too, I am in need of grace too.

As many as I LOVE, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore, be zealous and repent.

- Revelation 3.19

"A Demand" by Fuco Ueda. 2002.

Currently (finished!) Reading: "The Breaking of the Outer Man and the Release of the Spirit," by Watchman Nee

redefining grace

2010-07-21T23:24:00.001-10:00

i didn't fall off the planet, i've just started a truck-load of drafts that i never seem to finish writing. this, for example, was started in April 2010. cheers.

***

you do the work, you get your wages.
you do the math, you get the answer.
you pay the price, you get the product.

and if you don't do the aforementioned conditions, you don't deserve the results.

fortunately, none of the above are rules. they are theories, but they're very breakable.

if we're the hard workers, we like the thought of getting what we deserve. and we grumble about those who enjoy the pleasures they've done nothing to earn. because it's not fair, right? why should they be eating the fruit of our labor? i do all the work, they do none, and we split the reward? where's HR! or someone to audit this business! growl!

in matthew 20:1-16, a landowner hires workers at different times of the day, morning, noon, evening. they all finish at the same time, i.e, some worked much longer hours than others. and they all get the same pay. WHAT. yeah. exactly.

But [the landowner] answered one of them, "Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave to you. Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?" So the last will be first, and the first will be last.

- Matthew 20:13-16

"Are you envious because I am generous?" ouch.
i am no theologian, but i imagine heaven. and we're all getting that reward of the lovely encounter with Christ, regardless of when we got "saved." it doesn't seem like the nature of God to say, "person A: you have been a Christian, following all the rules since you were in your mama's belly. you get to enjoy 100% of heaven! and person B: you got saved on your deathbed, so you get to enjoy -ehh- maybe 0.01% of heaven."

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

- Ephesians 2:6-9

maybe it seems so basic to talk about grace in the likes of salvation, but the reason i do this is because of the true difficulty of grace. "they haven't said sorry." "they didn't put as much work into it as i have." "they haven't treated me right." "they use and abuse me." they don't deserve anything!

my life's honest context: i chose to extend a sacrifice of patient love that left me sore. "this person treats me like dirt, this person deserves dirt." yet, each time i'd become resolute in my fair trade organization, God would tell me, "Go back. Love more." and i would get the same generic appreciation, if not "less," than others who did nothing but kiss a*. sorry. it was so unfair. it kind of felt like the lottery, and i detest gambling. it was as if i worked endlessly and gained nothing, and this person did nothing and received bountifully.

written March 23, 2009 (Journey).

We like incentive from God. We like incentive from anybody. We like giving if it involves - receiving. Some of this mentality has been perpetuated by the independence of our age, that has taught us about "sowing and reaping." We learned that we earn what we have worked for, and therefore, work to earn. It's a cycle that has its place, but which we have unfortunately abused and sprinkled with selfishness.

i'm learning to love without incentive, without the hope of an incentive, without false hope. i'm remembering my Kingdom inheritance and all the unseen and eternal promises which i've never had to work for, but will enjoy forever... i'm learning to love for the sake of love, to give grace for the sake of grace - and never for the sake of reciprocation, which is a premise likely to fail. i'm learning to give freely, to give willingly, to give joyfully. and i'm realizing that whatever love i have to offer ought not to be reserved for the ones who already love me, but especially for those who love me the least...
i am learning to re-define grace.

via weheartit

xo

currently listening: the sound of heavy rain
currently reading: The Prophets by Abraham Heschel and Psalm 46

But God...

2010-06-30T00:06:00.000-10:00

I realize I have one gargantuan list of drafts to finish writing; on love, on grace, on forgiveness, on the yearning spirit.

But this post could not wait, simply because there is an immediacy of testifying to the goodness of God.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

- Psalm 62.1-2

I am thankful for the Love of God. He is unlike the majority of mankind. In the deepest, darkest hours, He runs to us, not away from us. Many people speculate the reverse, but really, those assumptions-turned-beliefs often stem from being too proud to receive His love. And what I mean is, sometimes, when God extends a direction, a command, or even His mercy and grace, we respond with, "No, God, You don't understand... You don't understand what I'm dealing with, how incapable I am... I just can't." And we recount our past life, our failures, our sins, our inabilities, our issues, our narrow-focused identity. Basically, we are telling God, "My weakness is stronger than Your strength." It's really a pride issue.

It was my issue.

Not that I would blatantly confess my refusal of His love, but unintentionally, I would turn down His offers to help me.

Example 1:

God says: "I want you to pursue [this one dream]."
I say: "But God, I need to take care of [these weighty things] first. Because if I don't, how will I be able to support my life?"
God: "Um... Me."
I say: "But God... You don't understand, I have these bills to pay..."

Example 2:

God says: "You messed up, but I love you anyway."
I say: "But God... I promised I wouldn't do it again.. and... I do it again. and again. I feel bad, like I'm abusing grace..."
God says: "My grace is sufficient for you."
I say: "But I feel bad."

Pretty much.
It's saying, "My weakness is stronger than Your strength."

It's a pride issue. What is it in me, though, that makes me think I'm perfectly capable of doing everything on my own terms? Why do we keep slipping into that? I suppose mankind has struggled with that since Eden, and debating whether or not "God really said." But regardless, it should never become a tolerated excuse. I'm tired of doing everything by myself. I want to believe that "God really said."

I think about the ever-present verse, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Phil 4.13. would then the opposite be true?

Jesus gave them this answer, "I tell you the truth, [even] the Son can do nothing by himself; he can only do what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does, the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all He does...."

- John 5.19-20

[Jesus said], "...Apart from Me, you can do nothing."

-John 15.5

There you have it.

All that being said, I surrender. Sure: as much as we live and breathe and accumulate, we'll have multiple and constant points of surrender. But I'm reminding myself to surrender now. I'm reminding myself that I can't do it on my own. I can't do it without God. I'm reminding myself that I am not in control. And actually, believing that is completely liberating.

xo

Currently Listening: Jason Upton's message, Satisfied By God. like 50x in two weeks.

bread of adversity

2010-05-24T15:50:00.002-10:00

Makes enough for one tired soul. Double the recipe if you've had personal intercessors that have scraped their knees in prayer for you. They deserve some reward.

PROCESS:

1. In a golden bowl, mix equal parts of these dry ingredients:

frustration (can be substituted with anger, whichever one is more fierce)
pain/heartache
hopelessness

2. Gradually add blood-sweat-tears until it becomes cohesive. (BST can be homemade... or workmade. if you are out, ask Jesus to use some of His.)
3. Throw it onto a well-floured surface and beat the crap out of it until it forms a homogenous ball.
3a. If you find this process difficult, put the ball underneath the golden bowl, take a moment, and pause. Sigh. Yawn. Hum. Close your eyes. This will make it a bit more loving and cooperative.
4. Lightly smooth the golden bowl with the Oil of Gladness; return the dough into the bowl to make sure it is completely covered and saturated in the anointing.
5. Leave this madness and insanity alone for some time. Let it rise. Let your praises rise. Let your worship, gratitude, and affections rise. It'll seem like the dough is doubling in size, which it is.. but God's love is working in it. I promise. Don't freak out.
6. Punch the air out of it. Release. Let go. Exhale.
7. Turn your oven onto its hottest temperature. Put the dough in the center of the flame.
8. Bake until golden. Purely golden. Purely irresistible. Pure and holy.
9. Let it cool off in the peace and tranquility of God.
10. Smile. Enjoy the yummy goodness of the Lord.
11. Share.

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are those who wait for Him! O people of Zion, you will weep no more. How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as He hears, He will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying: "This is the way; walk in it."

-Isaiah 30.18-21

xo

Currently listening: "You Are My Hope" from Holy by Matt Gilman/Cory Asbury

for the moments of dreaming

2010-05-15T21:18:00.001-10:00

we stopped asking ourselves, "wouldn't it be nice if we were older?"
because we're older now, a little wiser, a little stronger.
we're different now, a little braver, a little sharper.

our jokes are yet silly, while witty and sarcastic
our rhymes eliminated "you" + "too" and we converse with prose.
we stopped picking yellow dandelions and putting them in old glass jars,
we grow gardens with herbs and kale and peppers.

stick figures progressed to blueprints, and a piggy bank fueled an international cause
our puppy is wrinkly and lazy on the porch,
we look wrinkly, and only lazy on Saturday mornings.

we look wrinkly.
only a little.. if you look close, you say.
i like to believe you.
you're a lot wiser now.

and our younger dreams now look like furry stuffed animals that we pat on the head
and place in the corner of our twin bed,
inside a room painted with dandelion-yellow,
inside our aging mother's house.

we dreamt beautiful dreams.
of a large treehouse in a large tree, with a giant ladder and a giant tire swing
of flying bicycles with baskets full of blueberries and sweets
of desserts before dinner and dinner was pie
of rain when we're sleepy and sun when we're sunny

of marshmallow pillow fights and big red balloons,
of neverending sheets for our neverending fortresses
of running beside you and catching every rainbow
of loving forever and laughing right now

we dreamt beautiful dreams.

we put them inside a room.
we're a little bit older...

hand on the doorknob.

i don't want to close the door to this room, you can close it.
no, you close it.
but i can't.
i don't want to.
you don't have to
i don't think i will.

hand on the doorknob.

would you close the door?
you're hand is on the doorknob.
but would you close the door?
no.
so why are we here?

to look at our childhood dreams.

wouldn't it be nice if we were younger?
we are young.

i like to believe you.
you're a lot wiser now.

***

God, that I would worship you with exuberance in the moments of dreaming, that in the appointed time of fulfillment, I would not forget my Maker.

xo

currently listening: "Declaration of Dependence" by Kings of Convenience
currently reading: John 1-3

patience.

2010-04-21T17:53:00.003-10:00

i've been slaving away at writing blog posts that never finish... and this one probably doesn't fit anything i've written here before.. life happens.

**

this is not about my student (just so you know).

*

i attribute any calm i have at work to the miraculous peace of God, because this classroom can be a jolting ride. it's like the spinning teacups at disneyland. they look cute at first, but once you're in, you're just going in circles, repeating yourself tirelessly, and in the end, you feel like throwing up. i'm constantly wondering if what i do has any effect on these children.

God knows we need affirmation.
there's one particular child who is a real pro at drama:

1.
K: stop hurting me!
me: bro, i'm like 30 ft away from you.

2.
K (to me): UGH, if i eat this school lunch my gurgling intestines will explode all over your dorky FACE. gimme your lunch NOW! (i have to give him some points. he used a million-dollar word. "gurgling.")

you should see him fake injuries to skip P.E.

but even in the middle of the negative behavioral spurts, mockery, intentional non-compliance, and oscar-winning performances, i'm now starting to see how much he takes on to me.

he used to pester me about my age. i tell the kids, especially the boys, "rule #1, you never ask a lady how old she is." and then one day, in the cafeteria (because i have no breaks), the other children kept poking me about how old i am. he got up immediately and shouted, "YOU NEVER ASK A LADY HER AGE!" i was proud. i gave him a high-five.

yesterday he was a real pill to the other teachers: hiding under the furniture, picking on other student's disabilities, complete refusal to do his work. it was near end of the day, and i was trying to get things situated with my own student. the teachers were trying to get him to write sentences, giving him the option of working with this EA or that one...
and he just blurted, "i want to do it with miss karen! she's actually nice to me! and she listens!" so the teacher promised to work one-on-one with my student if i could get him to work, "alright k, you better get your work done - with your favorite teacher."

we got it done, eventually, even if his sentences included:
1. "agitated" - "I get agitated when commercials interrupt my tv show."
2. "hopefully" - "Hopefully, i will go to my friend's house and play video games."
3. "giant" - "Ms. Karen has a giant purse."

he actually got his work done. and in the end, he asked me to draw a tree frog for him. "He really likes you," one of the teachers said.

he patted my back and said, "thanks, ms karen."

and then i realized i've been had.

too bad he spelled it wrong.

currently listening: The Question by Emery

currently watching: Ferngully: The Last Rainforest. Happy Earth Day.

dining.

2010-03-30T21:45:00.000-10:00

i know this will be strangely vague... but i need to get it off my back.

**

Something in me just realized - "I don't want that anymore." And not that I ever really had it - I mean officially and externally - but I did have it somewhere inside of me... somewhere in my thought life I owned it, somewhere in my emotions I owned it, somewhere in my daydreams I owned it. And it wasn't a bad thing to hope for...

But I don't want it anymore.

I think you can liken it to eating at a new restaurant. You've seen the pictures, read the reviews, and loved ones have incessantly recommended it to you. The hype whets your appetite - only to realize that the wait is too long, everything's overpriced, the service is terrible, and they drizzle their desserts with Hershey's chocolate syrup (ultimate FAIL by the way). Oh and you're under-dressed for the stoic atmosphere.

Well... I've never been to "the restaurant," never eaten the leftovers, but inside of me, I just don't want to go anymore. I no longer have that craving, that hunger, that desire - the thought or idea of it no longer seems appealing. I'm not appalled by it, just... uninterested.

Perhaps the restaurant was a bad analogy. Now all I can think of is food service.

But really-
I don't want this anymore.
I don't want to spend my hopes, my anticipation..

And I know that these feelings stem from the fact that I just want God.
I just want God.
I don't want to focus on anything else besides Him.

This morning I was driving to work with a Scripture playing tirelessly in my mind and spirit:

Seek the LORD while He may be found. Call upon Him while He is near.
-Isaiah 55:6

About a month ago, I came out of a treacherous 6 month dry-spell. It was more like desert + dark valley. And the search for His voice, for His face, His affirmations - they seemed pointless, fruitless almost. So now, as I am out of that desert season and watching His love unfold, I want to take advantage of it and delve into the depths of His glory. Him and me, hand in hand. Reveling in the nearness.

I rather have the home-cooked meal than paying for something He can make better.
With the unspoken trust that He created it in reliable Love.
With the comfort of jeans and a hoodie.

That said, I feel like all this other "stuff" can wait... If He brings it to me, so be it, but I'm not going to make it happen, I'm not going to put time and effort into it, I'm not going to twiddle my thumbs in anticipation. I'd rather spend myself at the feet of Jesus, hearing Him, seeing Him, loving Him, and being loved by Him. Dining with Him. Communion.

Maybe one of these days Jesus would want to go out to eat at that restaurant. But the nice thing is, He's such a gentleman - He is wonderful company, deep and lighthearted, and kind enough to get the tab. And anyway, no one can make a recommendation like He can. I'll trust where He takes me.

Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For indeed, those who are far from You shall perish; You have destroyed all those who desert You for harlotry. But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all Your works.
-Psalms 73.25-28

xo

Listening: to absolute silence.

release

2010-03-08T20:08:00.002-10:00

we could all use a little (..a lot) of forgiveness. to have and to give.

and forgiveness never means that what happened is acceptable, nor does it mean that trust or camaraderie will be restored. but forgiveness does mean that we've released the right to bitterness - unfulfilled revenge.

and what a hard path that is, to ache restlessly from a deep wound, to burn in anger from an offense, to have plotted a victorious comeback that would inflict twice the damage; and then to make a clear resolution, "i will no longer hold it against you."

surely life is not without tension, conflict, wronging, or being wronged. these are all things that we can liken to the human walk of Jesus. and He felt anger too - but He always responded with love, forgiveness, and grace. He truly is.. unconditional.

it's a chore to take forgiveness and tackle the large traumas of our past, but if only we could start with the smaller battles. luke 17:1 NASB says, "it is inevitable that stumbling blocks should come." stumbling blocks never refer to gargantuan boulders; you stumble on cracks in the pavement, misplaced rocks, unseen objects in your path. similarly, let the forgiveness start with minor discrepancies, slightly noticeable inconsistencies, unintended faults.

because especially then, when the heavy offenses come, the tension won't have to escalate by the resurrection of their small irritable habits. you know what i mean.. when you're angry with someone, every little thing they do that you once tolerated now makes you want to punch their face. or perhaps something less violent, but just as impacting.

sometimes we think our love is more valuable than God's.
that is to say, God gives His love so freely and so willingly, without demand, without requirements, so full of pure grace...
but we feel that people need to work their way up, meet a standard, and earn our respect, earn our love. and if their performance has been less than satisfactory, they don't deserve our attention, much less our affections. and not that we hate them, but we don't truly love them... maybe we do. maybe it's just cold love. maybe we could use some forgiveness too.

"So watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him." The apostles said to the Lord, "INCREASE OUR FAITH!" He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you."
-Luke 17:3-6

xo

currently listening: Immersed, by Various IHOP artists
currently reading: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, by Betty Smith
currently watching: Once. and listening to the soundtrack.. Falling Slowly is played repeatedly throughout the week.

matter

2010-01-31T00:42:00.000-10:00

in case you were wondering
if you mattered to anyone
if your thoughts mattered
if your feelings mattered
if your dreams mattered

if the things which are important to you are important to anyone else
if anyone would care so much to make these things important to them
if you are valued, or thought of, or desired

if you've been waiting for someone, anyone, or a certain someone(s)
to ask you how you're doing (and genuinely, intently wanting to know)
or to ask you how you're feeling (and sincerely empathizing)
or to hold you accountable to the dreams you've once had
(and selflessly making sure you don't shrink backwards)

or to pursue you, because you've run so far you forgot your way back
or to fight for you, because the battle has deeply wounded your confidence
or to cry out on your behalf, because your tears have been spent on searching

or to break down the walls you've built
"not to shut people out
but to see if anyone cared enough to knock them down"

if you mattered to anyone so much
that they would knock those walls down...

in case you were wondering if you mattered to anyone,
you matter to Him.

--

it's so elementary.... but it's so true... maybe we forget that He wants to be the first one we run to. maybe we make ourselves forget because our flesh longs for the tangible... (after all, i am not crying on His shoulder, i cry on my pillow. i do not feel His strong arms surround me, i feel the warmth of the layered blankets.)

yes His love is supreme - He is the comfort of our spirit, the soothe of our soul, the balm for our heart, the calm of our mind. but because we matter so much to God, because we still long to FEEL that embrace, He has given us the BODY of Christ - extensions of His love. "Isolation won't be your protection." You matter to people. And even though we've been hurt a million times over by them, here's where we must find the deepest security in the love of God, then step out and LET ourselves be loved by others too.

Go. Be loved. Your faith has made you whole. His love has made you whole.

xo

Currently Listening: "Daughters of Jerusalem" - Immersed by David Brymer (IHOP)

oaths

2010-01-21T16:07:00.001-10:00

LORD, who may dwell in Your sanctuary? Who may live on Your holy hill?

He who keeps his oath,
even when it hurts.

He who does this will never be shaken.

Psalm 15:1, 4, 5

currently listening: BURN Knoxville - May 2008, United Pursuit Band.

weakness

2010-01-05T23:07:00.000-10:00

To keep me from being conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the LORD to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

II Cor 12.7-10

For to be sure, He was crucified in weakness, yet He lives by God's power. Likewise, we are weak in Him, yet by God's power, we will live with Him to serve you.

II Cor 13.4

xo

Currently Listening: Praise Is Beautiful, by Suzy Yaraei

a beautifully lovesick pursuit of the Holy

2009-12-31T12:33:00.000-10:00

oh what a year.
a beautiful year.
a very beautiful year.

2008 was rather painful for me. It was drenched in ache and loss and brokenness. A lot of shaking. I learned about cost and worth - I loved, but love turned to sacrifice, and sacrifice turned to compromise. And I was garbled in a cloud of voices and opinions and degrading... That even the voice of God faded into the distance. I missed Him.

So I resolved that in 2009, I would return to my true Love... I would pursue Him.

I will search all through the night, and when I find Him, I will not let Him go.
- Song of Solomon 3; "I Will Search," Rick Pino

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my Beloved, tell him I am LOVESICK!
- Song of Solomon 5.8

Thus, 2009 became a beautiful lovesick pursuit of the Holy.
And among the numerous ways the LORD revealed Himself, above all, I treasure the gift of relationships. Friendlationships. This year, God put people in my life who I've been praying for before I even met - people I'll cherish much (times infinity). And without intention, they taught me to embrace my God-given personality and identity, to pursue a Holy God, to be vulnerable yet wise. They taught me to love - freely, without reservation.

(and she's just one of them)

With the expansion of my affections came the expansion of my intercession. My heart would be stirred by the injust, merciless, and declining society. God put opportunities in my path without my searching for it: from Bound4LIFE, to the web design for Stand for Life Hawaii.. all the way to becoming a special education paraprofessional.

I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; they shall never hold their peace day or night. You who make mention of the LORD, do not keep silent, and give Him no rest till He establishes and makes Jerusalem a praise in the earth.
-Isaiah 62.6-7

But I also babysat, took care of a handicap elder (plus about 200 other things). The danger with all that work, coupled with an intense call to holiness, and having been surrounded by "ministry," is that they can be rather draining. And I burnt out.

In no way was 09 a perfect year; searching through the night can be rather disappointing and tiring. In fact, the call to holiness became a religious spirit that bound me - but only because I lost sight of why I did it. If I were to pursue Him, it ought to be out of LOVE, not obligation. To love Him is to know Him. Upon knowing Him, we become Him. And who He is, is holy. But it all starts out in love.

You provide the fire, I'll provide the sacrifice.
- "Fill Me Up," United Pursuit Band

After that, I felt His presence was removed from me, or at least, it felt like a wilderness. At night. Still, God did tell me one thing - to worship. Interestingly enough, in the very same season, I had increased opportunities to collaborate in leading prophetic worship. The reasoning to still worship? Because whether or not I feel, see, or hear Him, He is still God, and He is still worthy of my worship. In every situation, I must worship Him in all His glory and holiness, in absolute faith that He finds it to be a pleasant sound, a fragrant love offering, a sweet incense in His chambers.

You will be my song in the night, my strength in the fire.
- "I Will See Your Glory," Tim Reimherr

I sleep, but my heart is awake
- Song of Solomon 5:2

Being in a wilderness at night -with all artificial lights shut off- is the most opportune time to see the multitudes of stars in all their brilliance. His Word is unchanging, His promises are secure, and His Word is alive. And I know that in a beautifully lovesick pursuit of the Holy, I can find Him in His Word - He is waiting, revealing that all the while, He was in a beautifully lovesick pursuit of me.

When will You come to me? When will You dwell with me? I am longing for Your nearness, come meet me in Your Word!
- Mary of Bethany session, OneThing 06

I make no concrete resolutions for each year (although I have some for the rest of my life), because God always supersedes my expectations. But I do want to be sure that the things He's taught me, I've truly learned (I wouldn't want to exit 2010 knowing 09 repeated itself). In Jesus' name, 2010 will be a great and glorious year. Another lovesick pursuit.

No one’s ever seen or heard anything like this,
Never so much as imagined anything quite like it—
What God has arranged for those who love him.
But you’ve seen and heard it because God by his Spirit
has brought it all out into the open before you.
The Spirit dives into the depths of God,
and brings out what God planned all along.
- 1 cor 2:9-10

xo

Not my best photos of the year in their entirety, but I tried to be fitting :)
Currently Listening: Paint Your Picture by Julie Meyer

imitation

2009-12-29T23:10:00.000-10:00

O Christ, the storyteller, release in us a compassion, an empathy.
paint for us eternal truth -
as eternity does not refer to "later," it refers to "neverending."
so let us live with "neverending" prefixed to our character, and let us, forever,
sing new melodies in the morning
harmonize with creation
dance the make-believe hours away
act with grace and agility and poise
capture beauty in ashes
paint eternal truths
write. create. make.

for art is the imitation, the imitation of life.
and if my life is an imitation of Christ,
may my art be the imitation of Christ.

“Are you a born writer? Were you put on the Earth to be painter, a scientist, an apostle of peace? In the end the question can only be answered by action.

Do it or don’t do it.

It may help you to think of it this way. If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself. You hurt your children. You hurt me. You hurt the planet.

You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite the Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter farther along its path back to God.

Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. Its a gift to the world and every being in it. Don’t cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you’ve got.”

from The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

xo

currently listening: "Fling Wide" Misty Edwards

devotion

2009-12-13T23:02:00.000-10:00

a single bottle
filled with a year's wages
not spent on the needs of the world

but here it is, poured. washed.
absorbed into the skin of the Christ.
embedded in the skin of Christ.

and there, before the world
fiercely whipped
there, on the back that bears their burdens
fiercely pierced
there, on the side that they embraced
fiercely struck
there, on the cheek that they kissed

as He bled, as He sweat,
off of His skin,
He could smell the scent of her devotion.
with every slash,
the scent of her devotion
with every curse
the scent of her devotion
with every piercing thorn
the scent of her devotion
with His last inhalation
the scent of her devotion.

And the angels asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?"
"They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put Him." At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.
"Woman," He said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?"
Thinking He was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried Him away, tell me where you have put Him, and I will get Him."

Jesus said to her, "Mary."

She turned toward Him and cried out, "RABBONI!"

-John 20:13-16

And He remembers her devotion....
He remembers my devotion.

xo

Currently Listening: The Reward by Jonathan David Helser

Deep Things

2009-11-28T20:36:00.000-10:00

(1)
O Spirit, no one knows the thoughts of God besides You.
You search the deep things of YHWH, the deep things of the I AM,
the riddles, the rhymes, the profound mysteries.
You, O Spirit fathom the absolute, infinite, beloved King of Glory

And Christ has gifted You to me, O Spirit,
that You would dwell within me, that I may be Your resting place.
I am Your abiding place, and You are my promised Revelation.

And it is because of You, O Spirit, that I know Christ, I know God Almighty
It is because of You that I know Him personally, I know Him deeply,
I know Him intimately.
Deeply, deeply, deeply.
By You, I venture deeper in intimacy with Christ.

(2)
I am the Bride, and You are the engagement ring
I am the Bride, and You are the Spirit within me.
You are the holy echo of my spirit -
a heavenly echo resonating from the depths of my soul
You and I are the depths of the earth that call out to the depths of heaven
You and I are the fervent yearning, the unquenchable desire.
You and I desperately long for the Bridegroom
And You and I passionately cry, "Come, LORD Jesus, Come."

xo

Currently Listening: to awesome anointed worshipers practicing for tomorrow's service.. I'm so wrecked by His love!
Currently Reading: I Cor 2.6-16, Eph 1.13-14, John 14.15-31, Rev 22.17

january

2009-10-30T20:14:00.000-10:00

been on a kick of looking back into 2005 journals, which i will explain later.
expect a number of re-posts.

---

january 14

delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

if we waited until God gave us what we wanted before deepening ourselves in Him, we probably wouldn't keep our word... because we're human and we are stupid sometimes.

[sometimes, the more we get, the less we really gain : sanctus real]

but God is not human and thus He is not stupid.

we remember the premise... and once we're in the center of God's will, maybe the desires of our heart will be for someone or something else... something greater than what we could've planned out for ourselves.

january 20

Jesus, You know the storages and file cabinets and crate-fulls of mess in my life, and You also know the little desires that i'd confess, keep silent, or maybe not say at all. and sometimes, You gift me with the things I never thought I sought, but found... and rejoiced. i love You, Jesus...

life is piercing and harsh, but Jesus has been wonderful nonetheless, and it would be unfair for me not to be nice to Him too...

january 31

God have mercy on our restless souls, because we become uneasy with the outcomes of things that contradict our original design... but show us Your blueprint that we may better understand ourselves and others...

and love us too-- because we may feel incomplete when the hearts of man fail us...

----

reading: 2005 xanga entries. yes, i said xanga.
listening: Jason Upton, "Come Up Here" from Faith

lovely

2009-10-05T20:12:00.000-10:00

in the morning, tell yourself you are lovely, because you are.

and this not in a conceited manner - this is true, and it's healthy to speak the truth over yourself. we live in a world of lies where everyone else is dictating our identity (and they're usually all lies). the truth is, you are lovely, you are worth fighting for, you are desired.

and when you wake up, you should know this. and when you wake up, you should smile, even if for a second you're forcing yourself to, because sometimes the truth needs a bit of prompting before it becomes convincing. because sometimes, we know the happier way out, we just like to wallow in our pain. the truth is, you are loved, you are cared for, you are thought of.

and when you get up, you should thank the Lord that He's given you another day to fall in love with Him all over again, to embrace life, ugliness and beauty and all. and thank Him that for the rest of the day, He'll still be beside you, the peace you find when you need Him. we don't believe it because we don't see proof, we don't feel a nearby presence, we don't hear the words we're longing for. but the truth is, He longs for you, He wants to be the one you run to, He wants to be your solace, your laughter, your comfort.

and when you greet this day, talk to Jesus, and listen to Him too. you'll hear Him call you lovely, you'll hear secrets only made known to you. and even though you may go through today with moments of brokenness and coldness and gloom, remember He was also broken, and lonely, and grieved, but even then, He was still lovely - so very lovely - and so are you. in the middle of your emptiness or plenty, your apathy or sensitivity, your anger or control, you are His beloved, His chosen, His dream, His desire, and He finds you lovely.

xo

--
Reading: Psalm 73
Listening: my favorite playlist, "as night falls"

big girls don't cry

2009-09-27T16:27:00.001-10:00

...still, the fact that i stand at 4'11½ (the height of most elementary school kids i deal with) practically licenses me to cry. yet i find myself asking permission from my dignity if it's okay to be weak, if it's okay to be vulnerable, if it's okay to be sad.

a third of me is blogging this because if i don't find an outlet, i'll implode. another third thinks i'm being way too open with the i-could-care-less cyberspace community. the final third is trying to convince me that i should do what i want, because the cyberspace community could care less.

whatev.
the truth of my feelings? i'm not in the happiest mood, i've been so stressed, surprisingly impatient, and i was actually angry that i yelled at someone (yikes). i've lost a lot of trust in some people who are SO full of words yet so empty in action (it's not "love;" look at I John 3.18). i don't do anything fun, i haven't laughed in a while, and i'm actually taking tylenol for headaches. BLAH.

anyway, this post went for weeks without completion because i like to end on good notes. my excuse was that i haven't yet arrived at the good note, and i don't know what the good note would look like either. anything i wanted to say, i didn't really receive, because if i received it, i would've had hope.

faith is the substance of things hoped for.

yet... i'm learning that whether or not i receive it, if God says it, it's truth. and i don't want to be trapped in lies. sometimes you just have to speak truth, even if you don't feel like it.

so here goes the inward struggle of praising God in battle... trying to remember even just a handful of the many things He says....

His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
To share in His sufferings is to share in the resurrection power.
He promises He will never leave me or abandon me.
"God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?"
His joy is my strength, He gives a peace that the world cannot give
He will always take care of my heart
This will only make me stronger
He only gives us what we can handle
He always thinks good thoughts towards me
He is ALWAYS good
His ways are higher than mine; He knows what He's doing
I am not in control
I can trust Him
and He loves me.
He will always love me.
His love goes above and beyond.

I feel better now...

xo

--
Reading: A Wrinkle in Time, Madeleine L'Engle (LOVE this book)
Listening: Feist, on shuffle.

perfect timing.

2009-09-01T21:16:00.000-10:00

Recently, while driving amidst bustling traffic, my car died. In fact, it happened in the middle of the intersection. The only thing I knew to do (besides pray), was to put it into neutral and scoot myself inside the car, till it rolled to the nearest curb. What a sight.

When I got home, my mom so "kindly" pointed out that if I'm under an attack, it's never just one area of my life, it's usually everything, with massive, memorable blows: health that deteriorates, finances that disappear, emotions that explode, friendships that sever, work that demands, rumors that slander, death that steals. She's mom. She's right. And it's a pretty crappy state of being.

As my cousins looked at my car, the problem was found out; ironically, in the summer of 2007, while driving the trusty old Nova (aka Little Jimmy), it died for the same reason, in the middle of unhappy afternoon traffic.

It was the timing. (That is to say, the timing belt).

God is pretty funny. I mean, why did the Nova break down on the freeway, during rush hour? Or why did the Civic break down in the middle of an intersection, on my way to a prayer meeting of all things? It's so inconvenient! And the cars broke down because of bad timing, during times when my life was in a season of internal breakdown...

I think it's God's big flashy billboard.

And I heard Him tell me:

If you are not in alignment with God's timing, you're going to break down.

There are tons of things that we can do the further the Kingdom of God, but sometimes (and for me, quite often), it's easy to slip into a performance mode, wanting to do it ALL. But there's a specific time and place for everything. After all, the more I keep "doing," and not paying attention to His timing, His direction, or His will, everything starts to dismantle.

As I sat there on the curbside watching my cousins tweak and test wires and gadgets, I realized that internally, I was running fast and going nowhere. And I needed to get my life straight, else I'd end up like these cars, breaking down in front of everyone, causing havoc and frustration.

I'm putting life on pause for a while. Go ahead and let the other cars pass me by, I'm not in a rush. I want to be sure that everything in me is in order, that I'm in alignment with God's timing, that I'm in the center of His will.

(this is that Nova... the day it ceased to function)

xo

---

Reading: Stardust, Neil Gaiman
Listening: all Copeland tracks on shuffle
Watching: Bedtime Stories

promises

2009-08-15T23:07:00.000-10:00

The in-love-ness of: "You, my LORD, are beside me in this moment,"
the in-love-ness of hearing His voice reiterate promises and compliments and Truth,
the in-love-ness of knowing His plans for your future together:
it persuades us to a dance with our Christ. And in ecstasy of spirit,
we say beautiful prayers, or sing heart-gripping worship songs -
the poetry of lyric: devotion in prose, or
the suave of melodies: canons and ballads and crescendos

Yet, I do not know the honesty of what we pray for, nor do I realize the weight of our words, the power of our thoughts and our tongue, nor the reality of any covenant, or promise - with Him or with others.

At the sound of His words, we dramatically recant some equally astounding commitment,
"I will die for You," "I will live for You," "I will stand up for You," "I will fight for You."
"I will ____ for You."
do anything. for YOU.
walk through the wilderness, give up everything, bear my cross, run the extra mile, contend.

I do not realize the weight of my words.

And so when the fire consumes my surroundings,
or the torrential rain has brought mold to my foundation,
when the earth swallows my city, or the desert is without horizon:
my weary -and now lazy- soul questions where is the One who desired me...

We can be so quick to speak at the moment of in-love-ness,
So swayed by worship song and dance;
Yet, so quick to retract at the moment of familiarity -
to stop running when He says not where He is going,
to stop sacrificing when we are not receiving,
to stop living when we are tired of dying.

He always knew the weight of His words.
When we were faithless, He remained faithful.
He is the fire, the flood, the wind. He is Truth, He is Life.

We forget what we once prayed. We suffer and do not understand the cause -
But He takes us at our word, because He is a Man of His word.
He keeps His words, should we not keep ours?

God is not a man, that He should lie,
nor a son of man, that He should change His mind.
Does He speak and then not act?
Does He promise and not fulfill?

-Numbers 23.19

---

Adonai, I want integrity to become me; I want to say what I mean, mean what I say, and follow through with every promise, commitment, and covenant with You.
Let it be so.

xo

Listening: Jesus Culture, "Consumed"
Reading: a truckload of emails.

knowing.

2009-08-01T19:02:00.000-10:00

one day, i vented to the LORD and complained of a situation in which i gave and gave, and got nothing in return - He smiled with such gentleness, and told me, "now you know how I feel."

and then i saw that i had not been giving Him my everything.
but He is a gracious God, and He still gives and gives, whether or not i give Him anything in return. it convicts and moves me, to love Him, not out of guilt, but out of desire.

never have we been promised:
"love and you will be loved"
"love and you shall receive"
"love and you will be happy"
"love and you shall be satisfied,"

it will be a while, but soon enough, we'll realize in the core of our souls, that love never promises anything except that we will feel. for as often as we love, so often we hurt. and as often as we give, so often we lose. but even amidst loss and sacrifice and pain, we love because we choose, we love because we are compelled. and as often as we are compelled, so often we know joy. and as often as we purpose, so often we have peace.

but most of all, as often as we encounter Love, so often we encounter God.
and as often as we encounter God, so often we feel loved.

xo

reading: a lot of RSS feeds.
listening: "I Have to Believe," Rita Springer (except for "Those Were the Days." for some reason i always skip it)
watching: "Don't Eat the Daisies"

Infinite

2009-06-27T22:26:00.000-10:00

After reading Joe's FB note "thought #32 of 289,046 on june 26, 2009," I had my own swirl of thoughts and rambles.

Oh, and this isn't written "to" Joe, just inspired by him. And Joe, I hope nothing ever restrains you; let His love always compel you.

--

You were created in the image of God. I was created in the image of God.
And yet, what a phenomena, we are all unique.
It is because there is a part of God that is a part of you, and only you.
There is a part of Him that is only in me.
This is the multi-faceted, deeply intricate, wonderfully infinite, Holy Trinity.

And so, in your discovery of God, you will find yourself.
Because you were created in the image of God;
To see Him is to see who you should be.
But the mystery of the intricate, infinite God is this:
In your relationships with others, expect to encounter a unique attribute of God.

This is the multi-faceted, deeply intricate, wonderfully created, Body of Christ.
Which is why, to dismiss the need for community,
Or to dismiss your personal potential and thinking less of yourself,
Or to elevate yourself and/or others without elevating God
Only causes one to build an incomplete (or false!) image of Christ

We think we know each other. I think I know myself. I think I know God!
But He is not an idea to be contained in concepts and forms and -ologies
He is a Person - THREE Persons! - to know, to communicate with, to love.
And to love, and to be loved, is to experience God, because He IS love.
Yet, who can explain love? It is multi-faceted, deeply intricate, wonderfully infinite...

There is a facet of God that is in you, and only you, a facet of Him that is only in me.
And I learn more about God when I love you,
And slowly learn what it is to be made in the image of love, the image of God.
He is three Persons, but One God.
We are many parts, but one body.

This is to the glory of a multi-faceted, deeply intricate, wonderfully infinite, beautiful God.

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son...
-Romans 8.29

Love each other deeply, from the heart.
-I Peter 1.22

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in Him.
-I John 4.16

xo

Reading: New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Morton
Listening: Fresh Pair of Eyes, Brooke Waggoner

hungry

2009-06-09T17:52:00.000-10:00

Been journaling more, and [obviously] blogging less. Unfortunately. Actually I have six drafts waiting to be published...

--

I can name four instances in the past week where people have blessed us with food in abundance - and by that, I mean things like 3 gallons of milk, two trays of eggs, two bags of rice, a LOT of fresh produce... And to think, it all started on Friday morning, when my dad proudly announced he had eaten the last bit of leftovers, making more space in the refrigerator.

Sometimes we are unaware of what emptiness prepares us for.
I couldn't help but think about a recurring theme I hear in my spirit this season - that of hunger.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
-Matthew 5.6

Blessed is the man who will eat at the feast in the kingdom of God.
-Luke 14.13

The verse in Luke is the preface of the parable which Jesus tells, in which a banquet is prepared and the invited guests had numerous excuses not to attend. This was countered by inviting anyone and everyone, even those on the streets, "so that [his] house will be full" (v.23).

Interestingly enough, had this been a real story, I can see how people would use these excuses. Bought a new field (possessions). Trying out new oxen (work). Just got married (relationships). But the reality of it is exactly what defines the intensity of surrender, and yet reveals the quality and importance of the feast.

Sometimes we wonder why desire or yearning for more of God isn't strong in our spirit. Could we be going through a season? Perhaps. Or maybe we're just full of other stuff - so full of junk, or even, so full of things that in the natural seem necessary. But if the LORD is preparing a banquet, I want to be hungry for that meal. I won't be hungry if I'm so full.

God is preparing un-comprehensible greatness for us. And I have not attained it all, but I have faith that it will be worth the sacrifice. So if it means releasing the things that would make me a fool by the world's standards, I must do that.

I do not know what He is serving, but I will make myself hunger for it.

I want to be at the great feast. I want to be ready, empty, prepared. I want to be hungry, so that I can be filled with Him, and satisfied by Him.

xo

Reading: New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Merton
Listening: United Pursuit Band

untitled.

2009-05-10T20:14:00.000-10:00

originally written on April 10, 2007

--

i danced with the maker of the sky
a glide on a cirrus cloud
a quiet smile, a blush between laughter

and where i would typically cover my head in shame,
i lifted my eyes to lock a gaze with my Adonai
my feet are not swift,
my limbs are not graceful
my countenance less than fair
but He is beautiful

and i love Him,

despite- me.

xo

Reading: The Happy Intercessor, Beni Johnson
Listening: "Warrior," Live at Stubb's, Matisyahu

Prunes, Dates, and Humiliated Grapes

2009-04-29T22:36:00.000-10:00

[Raisins] used to be fat and juicy and now they're twisted. They had their lives stolen. Well, they taste sweet, but really they're just humiliated grapes.
- Benny and Joon

I think the only dried fruit I actually like are dried cranberries, and that's just if I put them into my cranberry-walnut muffins (to make the name legit). But this is not going to be about shame, or dating, or the credibility of muffins. And not so much of prunes either...

This is about pruning.
[my irrelevant titles/tangents/excursions do eventually merge.]

There's an incredible move of God happening in THIS generation, that I WILL see with my eyes. And I have felt the growth in myself, and seen repercussions in the people around me - people getting healed in church, friends suddenly diving into a relentless crave for God, dreams unfolding, signs that make you wonder... It's all real.

The beauty of the New Covenant is that we live with the executable power that came from the resurrection. But that's just it - to resurrect means you'll have to die first.

I once heard Bill Johnson say this:

The reward for growth is to be pruned, because that allows for more fruit in the next season.

It's one of those glorifying-crucifying statements that I love and hate (but genuinely love), where we dreamers and optimists revel in clinging to the hope of "fruit," but practicality yanks us back into the realization of Jesus' uncompromising command to pick up your cross and die daily (Luke 9.23). I'll be honest - there are times that the "dying" part makes me groan. "Uh, Dad, I kinda don't want to die today. I've been really drained and I would prefer a nap over bloody sweat." (Because seriously, I do feel drained, and I could use a nap.)

For shame.

I can hear God tell me, "Endure it, woman." (sigh.) And He's right. After all, in order for a plant to be healthy, it needs to be pruned. Why waste nutrients on injured, infested, or dying areas of my life? Why feed the parts of me that don't glorify God, or bless others, or encourage my spirit? To prune is to encourage fruit development. In the end, it's more worth it to see the abundance of the Fruit of the Spirit (and fruit of your prayers, whatever "fruit" means for you), than to live with mediocre fruit, and a whole lot of dead stuff.

He cuts off every branch IN me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even MORE fruitful.
-John 15.2

It's to be expected, that because we live in such an exciting time in history, the junk must be made known - and chopped off. The intensity of Light sheds reality on all the dark things going on in our insides. The influx of His beauty calls for a purge of our ugliness. The increase of glory evokes an increase of attacks - everything worth fighting for will be fought over.

I say all these things as encouragement to myself and others, that the humiliation of being stripped of our beauty [uh.. raisins?], of our lives being flogged as a spectacle, of suffering, of a broken heart, of pain, of death - it is all a part of process to find the glory and power of the resurrection.

I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
-Philippians 3.10-11

That's all...
OK let's go die!

xo

Listening: "To Be Alone with You," on Seven Swans, Sufjan Stevens.
Reading: The Pentateuch

sticky notes

2009-04-16T19:25:00.000-10:00

I was driving home and could not concentrate on the road - the sunset was like an unexpected gift from Adonai - it left me awestruck by His glory. So once I got home, I snapped this from our kitchen window, and had a sudden realization that I am in the right place at the right time... (but we shall save that for later!)

--

A simple, unassuming sticky note,
Posted on the doorway to Beyond;
He has handwritten with affection,
"I am fond of you."

But If this is a note, I must read His novels!
If this is a sketch, I must see His calligraphy!
If this is vernacular, I must hear His poetry!
If this is simplicity, I long for intricacies!

If these are fingerprints, what of touch and feelings?
If He is smiling, let us start laughing!
If He is moving, I want to start dancing!
If He is coming, I want Him arriving.

If this is beauty, I want to behold majesty.
If this is fondness, were He to lavish love on me -
Such a profound mystery:
He goes beyond all we ask or think

He is a Sentimental Author
with charm behind His intensity

xo

Reading: A Severe Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken

lost.

2009-04-16T13:57:00.000-10:00

end abortion.

Silent Siege
9-11.30a
State Courthouse [Kamehameha Statue]

bound4LIFE

xo

Reading: The Breaker Anointing, Barbara Yoder
Listening: spontaneous worship from Hope Community Church

O Broken Man

2009-04-11T00:36:00.000-10:00

O the Broken Man on the Cross,
You have offended our minds to reveal our hearts

So we have crucified You,
that we may no longer be confronted by our great sin of fear;
to resume our idolatry - worshiping our doctrines, traditions, and self-attained holiness
to remain unchanged

So we have disowned You,like a faithful member of our gullible, pliable society
like everyone else who seeks entertainment, not conviction
as if You are a passing trend (like WWJD bracelets)

Broken Man, how can You tell us to eat Your flesh and drink Your blood?
How can You use the unclean spit to clean a man's blindness?
Why did You not fight for John the Baptist's freedom from prison?
What if we would rather sing the dirge than do a dance?

Broken Man on the Cross,
You gave Your mother away.
You say a thief will enter Paradise.
You ask forgiveness on our behalf from G-d Himself (and we did not ask for it)

This Authority!
Who ordained You? Where did You get Your license? Show us Your credentials!
(Where's that Pastor ID Card....)

We don't like You.

So die.

And now, Broken Man, as You are on the Cross,
Is this so much what our hearts have desired?

Broken Man, we have heard it said one way, and You say another.
We say retribution, You say absolution.
We say regulations, You say invitations.
We say sow and reap, You say favor.

We say half, You say whole.
We say a lot of lies.
You say a lot of Truth.
And it has offended our minds, but revealed our hearts.

For we say death, but You say Life.

O Broken Man,
You ruined every funeral,
You will surely ruin Your own.

xo

Listening: Upstairs by Shane & Shane
Reading: A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken

Journey

2009-03-23T00:38:00.000-10:00

It's very much like God, to ask us to do things we don't feel like doing. And it's even worse when He doesn't tell us what the point is, what's the ultimate ending purpose or reason.

Which... becomes a situation in itself. We like incentive from God. We like incentive from anybody. We like giving if it involves - receiving. Some of this mentality has been perpetuated by the independence of our age, that has taught us about "sowing and reaping." We learned that we earn what we have worked for, and therefore, work to earn. It's a cycle that has its place, but which we have unfortunately abused and sprinkled with selfishness.

So, in the moments God asks us to specific tasks, the question "Why" tends to be loaded. Sour cream, chives, cheese, the whole bit. Throw in some doubt, speculation, and expectation of reward. (Although, I'm definitely not saying it's not wrong to question God - He is never intimidated by our inquiries. It's about the state of your heart; the underlying tone of your voice.)

In the end, God is looking for obedience. It's not so much where you end up, but what you have learned on the journey. It goes back to the whole concept of being faithful with the little things.

God says, "Go for a run." And I feel lazy.
But maybe He wants me to understand endurance and exercise, that one day I'll understand enduring a spiritual fight, or exercising my spiritual gifts. Or maybe He wants me to one day run a marathon for a good cause.

God says, "Sketch for 15 minutes today." And I don't see eye-catching inspiration.
But maybe He wants me to notice the simple things, to realize God is omnipresent, and He is in the simple things. Or maybe He'd like me to paint a masterpiece with my newly acquired skills.

God says, "Sweep the kitchen floor." And it looks sorta clean to me.
But maybe He wants me to understand cleanliness, that by cleaning up a seemingly 'small sin' prevents having to sweep up a great mess. Or maybe I'll have a surprise visit; company to chat in my kitchen over cookies and tea.

And the one I've been feeling for the past six weeks:
God says, "Apply for this job." And I don't really want the job. Even if the benefits (and my capacity for positive influence) are great. But maybe all He was looking for was obedience in its purest form - obedience to do something challenging, something soul-searching, something that eventually made me search for my true calling. It was a simple obedience that made me ask myself, "What am I really passionate about? Where should I be? What is my destiny?" Although it's much easier to ask God "Why" or "What's in it for me? Will You secure the job for me?"

My goal should not be to seek a reward, but to simply worship - to obey because I love Him, and I trust Him, and because I know He only has good thoughts toward me. I may not understand His reasons, or have a full grasp on what my life will be in one year or ten, but I do know this - that He has called me to be faithful and obedient. And the blessings and favor will naturally follow.

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
-Hebrews 11:8

xo

Listening: "Your Love Never Fails" - JesusCulture (Kim Walker, Chris Quilala, Melissa How)
Reading: A lot of articles on poverty and education

Heart+Spirit+Brain EXPLOSION!

2009-03-12T19:27:00.000-10:00

My very good reason for not posting anything in nearly three weeks is because I have been "recharging" in the very places that have been exceptionally instrumental in my walk of faith - Bethel Church and Hope Community Church (see side links). Until now, I am digesting that 75-course meal, but I am determined to post words of encouragement!

For now, I will share something out of my own walk I hope relates somehow:

--

I have never before been so happy to be alive! Encountering true love, true life, and true joy can genuinely transform anyone from the inside out. The problem with the evangelism/Christianity I have known growing up is the push for 'salvation.' Interestingly enough, Christ never over-emphasized 'salvation,' that is, as much as He did 'The Kingdom of God.'

The salvation tactics I have known essentially scared people out of hell. And tragically, the mentality easily adopted is: 'I'll take anything besides hell!' And people live a life out of fear - 'I better not screw up or else I'll go to hell... I don't think I could show my face in church because I made that huge mistake... Christians are so judgmental.' Is it just me, or does this sound so familiar - and yet, it nullifies the work of the Cross?

There is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus... For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."
-Romans 8.1, 15

What popular verses! But why is it true that many people have been hurt by the judgmental accusations/scare-tactics of Christians? It even happens within the church.

Therefore- the point is not to (only) preach salvation, but to introduce the Kingdom. Not to have people bound by the 'religion' of things they cannot do, but bring them into the truth of what they are now FREE to do! Bring them into a LOVE encounter with Jesus!

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
-I John 4.18

It is a completely different ballgame to be driven by fear and to be driven by love. Think of a trampoline and compare, 'Be careful, you'll break your neck!' versus 'Isn't this amazing? Look how high you're jumping!' Think of a gal who's seriously in love, and how it's absolutely natural for her to talk about her lover - his character, his beauty, all the little things he does, all the great things too. And this is how it should be between Christ and His Bride! Where life is about love and loving and giving and serving and trusting and believing and pursuing!

Like many are saying these days, not a religion, a relationship. It's almost becoming cliche, but it's rather TRUE!

All this said, His love has become even more real to me. And like I said earlier, I have never been more happier to be alive.

Whenever Christians are stressed, they usually say things like, "I want Jesus to come now." How selfish! I wouldn't want that, because that means that millions of people will be sent to hell this very instant. I still need to go out there and show them Love.

xo

Reading: My notes.. over and over again
Listening: Hope Live, "Inside the Worship: May 2008"

Romance

2009-02-14T16:45:00.000-10:00

I've never been a huge fan of Valentine's Day, BUT, I LOVE being romanced by Christ!

To be honest, in the past I've been such a cynic about sharing "that" kind of love with God. It seemed odd, awkward, surreal - almost imaginary in a sense. That is, prior to having a real encounter from Him, and finding that He is tangible, and His love is perpetual.

It's the "Jesus is my boyfriend" mentality that throws everyone off - especially men. But the problem is just that - that Jesus is not a boyfriend. He is not some stand-in, like some temporary filler for a single girl's empty life; after all, what happens when she does get a boyfriend, or does get a husband? Then where would the place of Christ be?

We are the Bride of Christ.

Of course, that then addresses that issue of what that means for men. Let us put it this way - you, as an individual, are not the Bride. You are a part of the Bride, just as you are a part of the Body. So why don't we just say "Body?" Why must we refer to the "Bride?" Being the Bride of Christ has nothing to do with gender identity, or an expression of romance. Instead, it is a quality of Love / a type of relationship.

Easily, we can see the difference between a relationship between a Father and child, a Master and servant, a Friend to a friend, and a Husband and wife. (Check out The Sacred Romance... I have yet to finish it myself!) By understanding our place as the Bride of Christ. We look at Him differently, and we treat the relationship with distinctive care.

A marriage is not created by one person making the decision - both of them make the vow, the commitment, the covenant. And because of this covenant, we encounter Christ with intimacy - not only does He know us, but we know Him. He unravels the depths of His heart, His emotions, His longings, His joys and tears - and all this because He desires us to KNOW Him!

But we also find that not only does He make Himself known, He is so ravished by His bride! We find that His love is so vast and deep and sincere!

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes!
-Song of Songs 4.9

And yet, by knowing this intense affection, we also find that He is a jealous God - that He is relentless, zealous, and in a great pursuit for our hearts. Why else is it scattered all over the Bible of His great desire to have His precious Israel back in covenant with Him? Why does He constantly refer to her as a prostitute - who He always takes back? God never reverses His covenant with His people. We cannot easily dismiss the grace and forgiveness of God, and how His love has no reservations, no bounds, regardless of who we are and what we do.

But of course, this is nothing of guilt! This is a time for us to get back to our covenant with Him, and ravish Him with our love too! This is a time for the Bride of Christ to go deeper in intimacy with Him, to long for Him, to crave Him. We were created in love and for love.

My soul yearns, even faints for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
-Psalm 84.2

xo

Reading: The Lost Art of Practicing His Presence, James Goll
Listening: Selah, Heather Clark CHECK OUT HER WEBSITE! no seriously.
Watching: WhatYouOughtToKnow. So informational!

Bleeding

2009-02-07T12:46:00.000-10:00

God's relationship with us and with our world is just that: a relationship. As with every relationship, there's a certain amount of unpredictability, and the ever-present likelihood that you'll get hurt.

The hurt may prove the existence of emotion and sensitivity, but does it really validate the existence of Love?

The ultimate risk anyone ever takes is to love, for as C. S. Lewis says, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal." But God does give it, again and again, until He is literally bleeding from it all.

One question:

Have I bled yet?

xo

Excerpts from Wild at Heart by John Eldredge

Nehemiah pt 1: Yours, Mine, and Ours

2009-01-31T12:43:00.000-10:00

Am I my brother's keeper?

Yes, you are. Sorry to break your streak of self-consumption. Well, no, I'm not sorry. After all, with commands to "love our neighbors as ourselves" or to "carry each other's burdens" and similar verses of being a body - it ought to be apparent that we ARE our brother's keepers.

We live in such a conceited society, though. Everything's supposed to cater to "me" and if "I am unhappy, I will make the situation cater to me, otherwise, I will leave and detach myself. Indefinitely." (A rambled topic). Minds like these can get consumed with waiting for God or the church make us feel better about ourselves and make our lives easier.

We can easily forget that we are in a body - it is a support system. And we do not simply call it that so they may support us, but that we may support others. Too often, when we see obstacles and a whole lot of mess, our tendency is to run. Who in their right mind runs towards the problem?

But David ran towards Goliath. Only because he knew Who sent him.

In the time that Nehemiah was a cupbearer to a king of another country, the Israelites went into captivity in Babylon. In time they returned to their desolate city - walls, defenses, and hope destroyed. Hearing of this, Nehemiah wept with empathy.

...I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my father's house, have committed against you...
-Nehemiah 1:6

He wasn't remotely a part of the issue, save the fact that he too is an Israelite! But God pressed upon his heart a heaviness for the people, who he repented for.
Yes, he took the responsibility of repenting for his forefathers, and himself.

How often have I been guilty of leaving a fellow sister or brother to deal with their own punishment? "Well, they made that mistake, let God deal with them." When was the last time my heart broke for someone else? Where I stepped in the gap and said, "No, LORD, withhold Your judgment - show Your mercy!"

I am not saying that suddenly, we need to become the Savior and take responsibility for everything - I am saying that our hearts need to be opened. Our peripheral vision needs to be opened. We need to ask God what is on HIS heart, so we know who we need to stand in the gap for.

---

Part of the reason I decided to talk about this is because it's distressing to know that people prophesy judgment on this "wicked generation" - as if, they want this nation to be destroyed for its immorality. "Look at how immoral they are! God should strike them dead!" I despise that mentality so much!

Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?
-Ezekiel 18.23

This is still in the Old Covenant too! We are in the New Covenant that says nothing separates us from His love. Why should we profess curses and judgment on people, or why should we cast the first stone? Why are we so concerned about our own spiritual fulfillment, then get offended at a world that lives contrary to the Word - simply because no one has told them differently?

It's not common for people to run towards trouble. But by whose standards? It's time we start interceding - repenting for these people who Jesus Himself said, "Forgive them, Father, for they do not know what they are doing."

If you take light of darkness - surprise surprise - all you have is... darkness.

We know the Truth. We carry the Light.

xo

Reading: Song Yet Sung by James McBride
Listening: Rise Up by Rita Springer
Watching: Eyes and Wings Conference at The Lighthouse Church, Mammoth Lakes, CA

The Struggle of the Not-So-Super Human

2009-01-22T23:27:00.000-10:00

It's a familiar - and false - mentality that: "Christians should always have joy, and you are being a terrible example to those young in faith if you start to reveal that your life is crumbling. What kind of testimony would that be!? You can't witness if you're not happy!"

And that, my friends, is how I have been conditioned growing up. I suppose a good percentage of people had the convenience of having a surrounding that encouraged them to "find themselves" and to "be who they want." Lucky for them, to be who they want could be an external or internal choice. But to tell me (or anyone) that we should always put on a "happy face" is actually not a demand for our outward appearance, it's the breaking of our inner confidence.

Here is what I mean, via my own personal experience:
People told tell me that I could be a lawyer or an artist or a preacher or a nurse, basically whatever I wanted, and the choice was ultimately mine. But their reactions to my lifestyle also told me that I was forbidden to reveal my weaknesses. The results were devastating. I wore all sorts of uniforms of varying professions. But the reason I could not settle (strangely, I'm still unsettled?) was due to the fact that in my head, I rehearsed to myself that unless I have perfection AND a happy face on, I am a disappointment to Jesus, a bad example to people, a inefficient testimony, a fraud, a failure, a waste of life. We can see how this stems into a terrible sense of worth. What I mean is, I felt like my life was worth something only if I was at perfection. Below perfection, I felt the dissatisfaction of peers and superiors. I felt secure if I had the approval of the hardest critics. I felt devastated if I received a bit of critique. With this kind of standard, I remained under the impression that I "failed" at everything, thus, I needed to change career direction.

Of course, the fact that I am not superhuman or perfect means YES I did (and still do!) have areas of weakness. So in aiming for approval ratings, my vices of choice were little white lies, jumbled priorities and "flirting" with the critics for a two-thumbs up. [Flirting = not literal.]

Let us just say, I lived out of fear.

Frankly, I hate being plastic. Anyone who's experienced "the mask" eventually realizes that it suffocates you more than liberates you. Yet, even though we "know" this, the reason so many people still go back to it is because it's like a security blanket. And yet, security blankets are childish, and wearing masks is immature.

Am I advocating a parade of our faults? Nooo way. Complaining is to the devil what praise is to God. And in any case, it's not necessary (or smart?) to spill your life story to the next stranger on the elevator. However, to hide is to lie.

The route to take, in all sincerity, is surrender to God. It's the route that says, "Yes, I am having an area that I am struggling with, BUT I am in faith that God will [etc etc etc]."
What I'm saying is that I learned all the proper phraseology, but never learned to do it first. Talk is super cheap. A surrendered life does have a countenance of joy, peace, happiness, and love - and you have no shame, you're not walking on eggshells afraid the mask will fall off - because there is no mask. The joy is deep as marrow, and it's real. Your situations, your weaknesses are very real too. But, you know Truth.

I am writing all this with the thought that I am plagued by it as much as I used to - praise God. But also because it's partially the reason I haven't written in a while. I felt under the weather (both physically and spiritually) and it did not seem like I could say anything out of a place of brokenness. And the perfection gig? It is SO much more intense. In fact, while writing this blog, I can't help but think that I better have something encouraging to say or else it will really look like I'm out of touch with God.

So here's my honest-honest-honest closing thoughts, regarding myself and you:
I struggle being vulnerable, but I would like to be. I feel like people have only come to know purposefully-selected areas of accomplishment and success, and therefore, so many people have a false perception of me. Currently, I crave God, but I feel like it's not enough. My soul literally longs for Him, but laziness has got in the way.
And amidst all this, I do fight to praise Him anyway.
Because when the battle is fierce, you have to fight even harder!

In the end, I'm not going to suggest you spill your problems, nor am I suggesting you only give happy reports. I am, however, going to suggest that you simply be honest. Because the mouth speaks out of the heart. You'll either be speaking out of a surrendered heart, or a troubled heart, and believe me, even if you are a troubled heart, there is always room for grace, prayer, restoration, and repentance.

...In this world you will have trouble. But TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world!
-John 16.33

xo

Reading: Wicked by Gregory Maguire
Listening to: Brooke Waggoner
Watching: political commentaries

Midnite Thoughts

2009-01-13T01:38:00.000-10:00

I would like my sleep to get back into order. Please.
But since I'm awake, mightaswell share some thoughts.

I am not in control.
I am not God - I am His daughter.
I am not Jesus - I am His sister.
I am not the Holy Spirit - I am His friend.

My job is not to force people to make certain decisions. They have their own will.
My job is to show them the Way.

My job is not to condemn the world of sin, or to convict them or judge them. God is the ultimate Judge. The Holy Spirit is the believer's Conscience. I am the vessel of Love.

I was not asked to point fingers. I was asked to have the fruit of the Spirit - including kindness, self-control, patience, gentleness.

I have no right to cast the first, last, or any stone.

BUT

As a sister, as a friend, as a member of the Body, I will not tolerate sickness, even if this means a sick mind. I will not tolerate lies. I will not tolerate my brothers and siblings being lied to by the enemy. Nor will I tolerate if they live as a result of believing these lies. I will not tolerate manipulation or deceit or sly foxes. I have every right to exercising the authority of the Kingdom, which means casting out these demons. I have every right to demand my life back - their lives back - and demand he pays back sevenfold. I have every right to the Truth, and declaring the Truth.

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that are running in the vineyards, while our vineyards are in blossom.
-Song of Solomon 2.15

I need sleep.
Maybe this will all make sense in the morning.

xo

The Things We See

2009-01-09T22:12:00.000-10:00

I can't help but feel so excited for this new year! Mostly because 08 is OVER! Not that I'm in regret over anything last year, but I recognize that the costly mistakes I made can only launch me to higher levels - that is, IF I manage to prove recovery by NOT repeating those mistakes. At the same time, while those mistakes are all trash, I am aiming at keeping (and passing on!) the blessings I've received, whether it be an act of love or grace, a lesson of patience and forgiveness, or an extension of friendship.

And now, I stand at the base of a new mountain.

Robert McAfee Brown said, "Where you stand determines what you see." Instantly, my mind paints a picture of the view from a mountaintop. And yet, the play on words "where you stand" can take us to what I really want to address, that it isn't just what you see, it's how you see it. Where you stand on an issue determines what you choose to see. It's true, we don't see with our eyes, we see with our mind. We see based on our knowledge, based on our upbringing, based on our biases and convictions.

Think of this example: I love the song "No Woman, No Cry." Reggae runs through the veins of people here. However, at the sound of it, a friend of mine instantly connects that song as being played at the funeral of a high-school friend.

Same song. Different definitions. It's all about perception.

When you look at your life, what do you see?
Personally (eeeh.. as personal as a blog can be...), for a long time, I hated my life. And it's honestly easy to slip into that mindset! Currently, I don't resent my life, but it's not very hard to get pessimistic - or even to start questioning why I'm here! I got this from James Goll: sometimes, when God gives you a dream or a goal that you have to take in faith, initially it seems exciting, then when things aren't going smoothly, the enemy likes to take you on this downward spiral -

Discouragement. You start questioning God why things happened the way they did, and why He brought you to this place at all.
Disillusionment. You start to wonder, 'Was that really God, or was that just me thinking that I'm supposed to be doing this?'
Disinterest. You don't see immediate results and therefore, you stop caring.

Is it impossible to get out of this spiral? No. Is it easy to slip into it? Yes. But do you not see the nature of the enemy? 'Did God really say you can't eat that fruit?' He makes you question God's Words! In the same way, God places dreams and visions in our view, then the dumb devil makes us think, 'Can this really be from God?' The scary thing is, once we start believing it, we can be at the mountaintop, and instead of saying, 'What a gorgeous view!' we'll be chanting, 'Oh my gee, I am gonna effin fall off this cliff and DIE.' I'm telling you. It's all about perception.

If you hold to My teachings, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free!
-John 8.31-32

Although we are familiar with 'truth' referring to the Word, a deeper look will reveal that the word 'truth' means 'reality!' Isn't that beautiful?

Then you will know what is real - you will know what reality is! And it will free you!

Too often we are caught in a state of disarray. Whatever you want to call it - discouragement, disillusionment, depression, confusion, apathy - only because we don't know what's real! I am not discrediting the real emotions people have, and saying that people aren't allowed to experience pain; God Himself wept over His chosen ones! Yes, the world looks like it's deteriorating. It's scattered all over the Bible that that's how the world will be in the last days.

BUT - I choose to sing a Love song, not a funeral dirge.

God wants to make reality known to us! We've been trapped by the media and old wives tales and superstitions, but there's such a freedom to be had! I want to have a vision from God for this year - AND see it the way He sees it. I want to be able to approach life by saying the things He would say, doing the things He does, and going where He would go.

It's 2009! What song are you singing?

xo

Reading: Dream Language, James & Michal Goll
Listening to: Le Pas du Chat Noir, Anouar Brahem
Watching: Fight Club

Briers, Malunggay, and Waiting for Babies

2009-01-01T22:08:00.000-10:00

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
-John 1.1

Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.
-Matthew 24.35

Has God given you a promise, a vision, a dream, or a goal? Has He simply left you with the impression that He will do something new? Has He not told you what it will look like? Has He left out a lot of the details?

[monotonously gives a 'yes' to each TV-infomercial-like question]
[and seriously, if you didn't say yes to any of the above..... we need to talk.]

Anything the LORD promises, regardless of the time it takes on human terms, will come to pass. That is an unwavering truth.

And yet, there are those situations they don't come to pass - and it's not because God is a liar. In some cases, a prophetic word could be wrong (which then reveals the importance of checking up with God instead of assimilating everything the wo/man of God says). In other cases, we may have confined the promise to the English definitions of the English words we hear. Let me illustrate: say you've latched onto a particular interest, and you feel God began to release strategies to further this interest. But in time, you begin to find that you don't have the same passion for that dream, and that your heart desires something else. Isn't it easy, at that point, to wonder, "Did I really hear the voice of God telling me to step into this?" And we go into a frenzy, adjusting our rabbit-ear antennas, assuming the reception must have been way off.

But in truth, it's nothing more than an invitation to know more of His heart. So you have a different dream now? At least you were faithful with what He gave you in that season! So that word didn't come to pass? At least you have a marking point, a discernment, of what His voice does and does not sound like!

At least, you learn to trust. You learn what it's like to depend on One you cannot see. You learn to be obedient to His rhema word. It's about practicing the presence of God - testing Him, trying Him, knowing Him, loving Him, and definitely listening to Him. Continuously. At least, you keep yourself in a position to expect God to move according to His word. And He honors that.

As a person who doesn't garden as often as my parents, I can honestly say that it's definitely not a skill of mine to look at any seed and instantly identify what kind of plant it will turn out to be. And my knowledge is still very limited, seeing a tree and knowing what type it is.

Usually, I just wait for the fruit.

I've mentioned how 09 has been prophesied to be the year of the womb. And there are a great number of people who feel the confirmation in their spirits that truly, God is going to birth something absolutely tremendous. And yet, so few of us have an idea of what it's going to be, what it will look like, how is it all going to happen... Some of us still wonder if anything's even there.

Basically, we're just waiting for the fruit.

Oh sure, there are those trees which I can name because of familiarity with their shape or leaves, like the clustered, overbearing mango tree with its seasonal red leaves, or the skinny heights of the malunggay tree. In the same way, sometimes we have a general idea of what God will do based on the tested, tried, and true signs that He gives us. Key word: sometimes. In the end, the tree will be defined by its fruit.

No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart, his mouth speaks.
-Luke 6.43-45

I really feel that even though we have no idea what this 'fruit' will be, we can hang onto the confidence that 'storing goodness in our hearts' is like water for the seed. It's not a time to spoil the fruit by harboring any 'evil' in our hearts - not bitterness, not laziness, not impatience, not complacency, not arrogance, not surrender!

A word was spoken over me in August:

Even though you cannot see the fruit, don't uproot just yet.

Just because we aren't seeing results, it doesn't mean nothing is happening beneath the surface. Just because you cannot see the fruit, it doesn't mean God is not at work. Just because we are experiencing the 'birthing pains,' it's not a time to abort the baby!

In due time it will come forth - and we should not worry what it will look like. For if it is from God, if it is bred from the pure intimacy that came from a covenant relationship with Him, then you can be assured that it will be a legitimate child, bearing the image of God, having the authority of the Kingdom, and carrying His holy name!

And surely, all of Heaven rejoices!

xo

2008: Over and Out!

2008-12-31T19:15:00.000-10:00

A few more hours until the back cover closes this crazy novel.
What a terrain this year had! I feel like the first 6 months were an influx of the Holy Spirit over my life, and the last 6 months was the infestation of pests to distract me from everything originally spoken. Ultimately, it's a sift of what is temporal, what is eternal, and whether I have the discernment to keep or discard.

I can say this much: I've found greater facets of the heart of God.

And you can't love without getting hurt. God never disappoints us, but the sacrifices, the stripping of flesh, the death to self, the stepping out of His love - frankly, it hurts. So that's what this year was full of: loving God and feeling the pain of sacrifice and the repercussions of mistakes.

Here are my resolutions... for the rest of my life:

I will love, honor, and respect Him first.
I will not live in regret. I will look at my mistakes, look at the right thing to do, and praise God for giving me the ability to do the right thing next time. I will praise Him because He does not condemn me, and therefore:
I will not live in self-condemnation. OR self-pity. I will not apologize for the call of God over my life, or for the way that He has made me. What HE says counts! What others say, what others think, what I think others think, DOES NOT COUNT. And yet,
I will not place security in what I know. I will not live in pride or false pride. I will learn what true humility is, and I will not rely on knowledge.
I will keep my spirit open. I do not, and will not, know everything there is to know about God. I do not want to be offended when I realize Truth.
I will say what He speaks, do what He would do, go where He goes.
I will love, forgive, and extend grace. I have been a fool too, and will forever be in need of a Savior. It is never my place to cast the first, second, last, or any stone. God is the only Judge, but He still imparts the spirit of discernment, and I cannot deny Him the revelations He wants to give me.
I will be a woman of my word.
I will exercise self-control. I will seek the Spirit for boundary lines - what I need to partake, abstain, or take in moderation.
I will not settle for anything less than God's best. No more compromises. I cannot sacrifice my identity, my standards, or my God-given desires on behalf of someone or something that would only satisfy or fill me temporarily.
I will seek affirmation from Christ. I cannot rely on people to affirm my God-given identity, and yet, I will not diminish the words that God speaks through them. God has given me a life with the fullness of Him, and to 'weaken' or deny their words is an expression of ungratefulness.
I will live what I believe. Talk is cheap.

What did I really learn this year?
I learned that the love of God, and His words, will always supercede what everyone else says. And yet, I cannot let go of the fellowship I have with people. I need them, and I need to also recognize that I have a place in this body too. I cannot isolate myself, and I cannot idolize people.

I need balance.

I am looking forward to 2009. I want to close the wounds and start fresh. God has planted dreams and visions in my heart, and I am expecting a turnaround!

xo

Who's Having a Baby!?

2008-12-23T22:43:00.000-10:00

Beyond all question, the mystery of godliness is great:
He appeared in a body,
was vindicated by the Spirit,
was seen by angels,
was preached among the nations,
was believed on in the world,
was taken up in glory.

I Timothy 3:16

Oh the beauty and the mystery of the Incarnation!
These days Christmas is either commercialized, patronized, or adored. And for those who adore, maybe we smile or acknowledge, or weep in advent and awe and love. But the fact still remains, this happened to humans. Mary, Joseph, and Jesus - all people.

Meaning, Mary, pondering all these things (Luke 2:19), could have easily said, "That's God kicking in my belly!" Max Lucado actually poses some 25 beautiful questions he'd like to ask Mary [plus some additional commentary by yours truly]:

What was it like watching Him pray?
How did he respond when he saw other kids giggling during the service at the synagogue?
When he saw a rainbow, did he ever mention a flood?
Did you ever feel awkward teaching him how he created the world? [Hey Jesus, on day 1, You made heaven and earth!]
When he saw a lamb being led to the slaughter, did he act differently?
Did you ever see him with a distant look on his face as if he were listening to someone you couldn't hear?
How did he act at funerals?
Did the thought ever occur to you that the God to whom you were praying was asleep under you own roof? [More like, "Father God - can Jesus hear me right now? I mean, beside the fact that He's in the other room..."]
Did you ever try to count the stars with him...and succeed?
Did he ever come home with a black eye? [If Jesus said to turn your cheek, did He let other kids beat up on Him? Would He heal Himself? Or did He have the power to restrain them?]
How did he act when he got his first haircut?
Did he have any friends by the name of Judas? [I think of Mr. B's thought of painting kid-Jesus and kid-Judas playing tug of war...]
Did he do well in school?
Did you ever scold him? [Well... wasn't He perfect?]
Did he ever have to ask a question about Scripture?
What do you think he thought when he saw a prostitute offering to the highest bidder the body he made?
Did he ever get angry when someone was dishonest with him?
Did you ever catch him pensively looking at the flesh on his own arm while holding a clod of dirt?
Did he ever wake up afraid? [But there is no fear in LOVE! HE is love!]
Who was his best friend? [...God?]
When someone referred to Satan, how did he act?
Did you ever accidentally call him Father? [or LORD?]
What did he and his cousin John talk about as kids?
Did his other brothers and sisters understand what was happening? [Talk about living under the shadow of perfection! He always made His bed, put things where they belong...]
Did you ever think, That's God eating my soup?

Sacrilegious? I think not. In fact, I'm absolutely humored - perhaps even more in love with Jesus trying to grasp the fact that He was human. And He had human limitations. He probably had an awkward stage ["awkward" by societal interpretation, as it always is]. And Mary, seeing these things with her very eyes, treasured these things in her heart.

And yet, she could have also pondered the following: "If He is God, why does it hurt?" If this is a divine birth, why must I experience pain? Why must I bear weight and be so stretched? If this is God, why do I have to let Him go? If this is God, why must I watch the One I love so torchered and beaten and killed?

Don't we find ourselves in that place? Aren't there moments where God longs to place His desires in our hears, and so we say "Let it be unto me according to Your Word?" And then, only to find that this Word, this promise, this command, this calling - sometimes, it hurts. It's like a weight we carry, a heaviness, a burden. Stretching our limits. Testing our patience. Keeping us awake at night. And sometimes, we eventually question, "God, is this really You?" Maybe our Joseph - the ones closest to us - will question too, "God, are You sure this is Your Spirit and not her way of sneaking out of a sin?" Yes, we face the public, who might disbelieve us or mock us. Yes, temptation will come to doubt or fear. But above all else, we recall the beautiful declaration of promise:

Blessed is she who has believed that what the LORD has said to her will be accomplished.
-Luke 1:45

Post-pregnancy is the joy of a Child. Post-death is the joy of the resurrection. Post-struggle is the earned reward. Post-endurance is the fulfillment of a promise. We are not to keep this pain like a trophy, like a reward for playing the victim - even if we're still in the struggle. We need to recognize that we are part of something greater - we aren't commissioned to build walls, we are commissioned to build cathedrals. Vision gives purpose to pain.

2009 was prophesied as being the year of the womb (among other things), and I am holding out for that. I do believe that the promises God has given me will bear fruit. I believe that the pain I had to endure this past year will be forgotten. For me, '08 had to have been the most stretching and the most ridiculous, and also, the most I've ever fought for Love. And when you fight for Love, you have Love.

One facet of the Incarnation was that it was an act of relentless pursuit - that God so desired to be among us, and wanted us to know that He wants to be closer. It definitely leaves me awestruck to compare the joy and peace found therein, to the human fight for life. I hope with all hopes, that I won't abort this Promise, because even if I experience pain, God is still here, and eventually I can say,

My eyes have seen Your salvation
-Luke 2:30

Planning by Faith

2008-12-18T22:51:00.000-10:00

I am futuristic. And like 'overthinking,' it can be either a booster or a dragger.

I'm planning again, and it's a fight against my mind to not step into the realm of worry or doubt. I ask myself if perhaps I should have been in the educational or medical field. Sometimes, art feels so self-indulging, and the only way to apply art in a 'helping' way is through education or therapy. And then I wonder if it's none of the above, and all this truly were stepping stones, and the rest of my life actually won't have anything to do with what I have learned until this point.

So now I'm back at the place asking God what really matters to Him, and finding the passions that He designed me with. Because if I eventually have to step my foot back into school for it, at least I can say I am doing it for Him.

If I stopped myself because of money, well, I've made money an idol. I'd rather step into His will, empowered by grace and faith (and knowing that He is fighting for me), than stay 'safe,' computing the loan-repayment output with numbers I can see, and take the controls away from God. We know that it equals a dire collision.

Proverbs 16.1-4. The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD. All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, but the LORD weighs the motives. Commit your works to the LORD and your plans will be established. The LORD has made everything for its own purpose...

How much do you plan for, before becoming one who does not walk by faith? Or how long and how far do you walk with eyes closed before imitating a God who makes plans too? (Jer 29.11) Is it right to even try to draw a line between making plans and trusting Him? Is this all relative?

Faith will forever be an issue, as long as we are non-omniscient. It does take endurance just to hope for what we can't even see, to anticipate the unknown, to wait patiently for Someone we've only caught so little of.

And so what now shall we do? Seek wisdom. A wise man not only knows and understands a situation, but possesses the proper pro-active, reactive, or inactive response. We walk by faith and not by sight. But if our arrogance has stuck our noses so high in the sky, we're falling into pits, we miss out on realizing that sometimes, the planning itself is the time designated to build character. More than being a time familiarize ourselves with our environment and other people He intends to integrate into our walk, to plan is a time to seek His voice. It is an opportunity for intimacy, to know His heart and His intentions. It's is a different thing to say "Do whatever You want," and ask, "God, what do You want me to do?" While both statements are valid, the first statement is as though you are a guest uninvolved in the Master's affairs; the second one is like saying that I belong in this House You have made for me, and I want to know what You have built.

This is real advice for the over-planner as well. It is important to plan in faith - to plan in Sabbath mode, knowing that His peace is a manifestation of His glory. Once you worry, that's immediately an indication that you've stepped off of faith (Faith and worry cannot co-exist). Grace is always readily available, thank God, but is never intended to be abused. Again, to plan is an opportunity for intimacy, to seek out what is His plan, and then make it Yours. Faith will also mean that we will not doubt His voice, and we can trust that in Him we 'live, move, and have our being,' and therefore, although we cannot see all the pieces fitting perfectly, we can still walk forward in faith - knowing (not doubting) that He guides our steps, and makes them firm.

God ultimately has His way, but He never messes with our will, and it all comes back to who we trust more - Him, or ourselves.

Psalm 16.11. You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

I was thinking...

2008-12-16T22:00:00.000-10:00

I overthink things. That has caused both the prevention and the allowance of a pitfall. In my opinion, overthinking is one of those treasures that, if abusers of the tool (like myself) knew how to harness it, it could be the strongest weapon in our battle for Truth. However, because of its supernatural potential, the enemy likes to distort the way we approach it, and instead of understanding our minds as weapons that pierce, like 'light pierces the darkness,' it becomes a pierce like 'pierced to death.'

What am I getting at: it is part of the Great Command to 'Love God with all your mind.' There is such a power when the Holy Spirit imparts a word of knowledge, a word of wisdom, or the spirit of discernment. Even the spirit of understanding may come upon us, and all the above are processed in the mind, perhaps deeply processed, and the fruit of the harvest is a clearer perception of the Most High God.

But there are also gray lines - those thoughts that start out innocently, and what I mean by that is, our thoughts initially are safely termed: visionary. Futuristic. Reflection. Fantasy. Introspection. Analytic. But even those words, based on the dictionaries of our heads, could be good or bad things.

There are times we imagine potential outcomes of an interaction between you and another person (we like to say that we're preparing responses). But we eventually cultivate emotions out of conversations and interactions that never happened. Or perhaps our thought starts off as 'what if this happened in my life,' and in planning for the future, we start moving away from faith. Sometimes, we use the term 'learning from past mistakes,' but instead of our reflection being opportunities to resolve ways to move forward, we end up re-living those moments, and they often turn into regret. Maybe self-inflicted condemnation.

And if you are definitely an over-thinker, you've come to a point where you're drilling yourself, asking, 'where did I go wrong?'

Well, we let garbage clog up the proper drainage pipes, and when it rains, it overflows into sewage lines. Yes. We don't put thoughts in their proper place, and henceforth, all that comes out is crap. I'm not making a cheap illustration, I'm really driven by the recent floods, and the subsequent health advisories.

In practical terms, we need both filters and clear channels. Not that we'll never have another bad thought or temptation again, but the strength of the Spirit to dictate to you which thoughts are His, how does He want you to approach it, is there something He intends for you to do about it (thoughts produce no fruit if there is no action involved - you can think of a million comebacks in a fake conversation, but if you never say it, it remains a piece of fleeting imagination).

After all, as it says in I Corinthians, We have the mind of Christ.

And the mind of Christ allows us to discern the seasons, and know what is to be done in the proper seasons. It gains understanding of every angle of a situation, and pierce like Truth and Light. It is creative, innovative, and insightful. It receives unprecedented revelations. The mind of Christ that overthinks is able to prove the will of God.

What a powerful weapon! If only we could truly grasp this and give our minds in full surrender to God. Today, right now - yes, this exact moment - He has something He wants me to know, something He wants you to be aware of. But are we listening? And even if we heard it, would we think of it the way He does?

xo

public image

2008-12-10T22:16:00.000-10:00

Matthew 1:19. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.
I am no Biblical scholar. We already know this.
But I cannot help but wonder what was running through the mind of Joseph, fully human, fully susceptible to temptation, fully capable to give into it. I could not help but wonder if Joseph really intended to 'escape' this situation through divorce. After all, people know him to be a righteous man! Would it not appear that Mary, severed from a commitment to Joseph, perhaps slept with another man? Could it be possible that Joseph would have rather the public condemn Mary alone, and not Mary and him? Look at it - they're not married and she's pregnant. So, to the public eye, either he and Mary screwed up, or just Mary screwed up.

Matthew 24:27-28. Woe to you teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean! In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.

Too often we fall for the cop-out. To take the route of washing our tombs to hold to an image of righteousness but not knowing or experiencing it because of the dead bones within us. And yet we cannot link this directly to Joseph because:

Although Joseph's reasoning, 'he didn't want to expose her,' sounds like, 'Yes, I care for you, but I care for me even more,' we have to give him credit for caring for her in the first place. And even more credit because we know that he does not divorce her, that he remains by her side. Joseph stepped into the realm of faith - where he had to obey the command of the LORD, regardless of what he felt in the natural, regardless of his internal desires. They were surrendered for a holy cause. He chose righteousness before God versus righteousness before man - despite the repercussions of communal disgrace.

He proved a faithfulness, not just to God, but to his beloved.

Ephesians 5:25-29. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy... Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.

And this very well saved the emotional weight the young Mary could have experienced having to bear and rear a child on her own. It's an honest righteousness that Joseph has, that even though the opportunity to exit was before him, he chose obedience. It's proof of character, of life.

Could we say the same of our own lives? That despite our reputations, we can dismiss it in order to help bring a Savior to the world?